My husband (M32) and I (F31) have been married for just over 9 years and we’ve never had penetrative sex because the idea of it makes him uncomfortable.
Some backstory: we got married young, right out of college and in a Christian context (e.g. believing sex before marriage was bad, unable to live together until we exchanged vows, etc). My husband went from living with his parents to living with me.
We didn’t have sex on our wedding night, though I wanted to, because he felt like there was too much pressure. I understood that and didn’t think twice about it.
Over the next few days of our honeymoon, we had oral sex and used our hands, but whenever I would ask for him to put on a condom he would instantly go soft and feel uncomfortable, killing the mood.
This is basically the recipe for the first few years of marriage: I would try to initiate penetrative sex and he would get weirded out and go soft. Since penetration isn’t everything, I was fine with pleasing one another in other ways, but kept feeling like I was missing out on an experience I wanted to try. I also started to feel like he wasn’t actually attracted to me since the thought of entering me turned him off. Over time, what sex life we did have diminished to almost nothing. It’s been over a year since we’ve even touched one another like that.
We’ve tried talking it through several times over the years, but the conversation is always initiated by me and he feels like I’m hurting his feelings and making him feel insecure by bringing up my dissatisfaction. He goes to therapy, but says he isn’t comfortable brining it up with a therapist.
I’m just kind of at a loss for what to do. The lack of sex and intimacy seems like a non issue to him, but I’m sad that I’m missing out on that part of a romantic relationship and not sure if I can go the rest of my life without it. I feel as though these years where my body is at the best it’s ever been (and may ever be) are slipping away and I can’t enjoy feeling attractive/sexy. He doesn’t look at me with any desire, never comments on my appearance, nothing except casual physical tough and daily morning/goodnight kisses. It’s basically like we’re platonic but trying to keep up some version of attraction.
I’ve asked him a few times if he may be asexual or not attracted to women, but he denies both with fervor. I’ve asked him if he thinks he should bring it up to his doctor but he doesn’t see it as a medical issue. We’ve discussed going to couples therapy, and he’s open to it, but still is uncomfortable discussing the details of this with anyone else.
I hear the depth of your pain and frustration. Going 9 years without the sexual intimacy you crave in your marriage is undoubtedly a heavy burden. You’ve been exceedingly patient and understanding, but it’s clear that this issue has taken a serious toll on your self-esteem and overall well-being.
You raise an important point about the potential role of your husband’s religious upbringing. Purity culture and conservative attitudes towards sex can inflict deep psychological wounds that make embracing intimacy incredibly challenging, even within the bounds of marriage. The visceral aversion to penetration and the inability to discuss it openly definitely raises red flags for possible religious trauma.
It’s also necessary to consider the possibility that your husband may be grappling with his sexual orientation. If he’s coming to terms with attraction to the same sex, that can be a daunting realization to process, especially coming from a conservative background.
Regardless of the underlying cause, you’re absolutely right that this will not improve until your husband is willing to confront it head-on. His avoidance and defensiveness when you attempt to discuss it is not acceptable. You have every right to advocate for your needs and expect him to take concrete steps towards addressing this impasse.
Pursuing the guidance of a sex therapist is a wise course of action. They can provide a safe, knowledgeable space for your husband to unpack his hang-ups and work towards a healthier relationship with intimacy. I would encourage you to clearly express to your husband that seeking such help is not optional if he wants your marriage to thrive. He has to take ownership of his blocks and commit to the hard work of overcoming them.
I also want to validate your right to have your needs met. If your husband continues to stonewall you and refuses to dig into this issue, it may be time to reevaluate whether this relationship is tenable for you long-term. A sexless marriage is a perfectly valid dealbreaker. You’re not shallow or wrong for craving that dimension of intimacy.
Please know that you are not responsible for your husband’s hang-ups. This is not your fault or a reflection of your desirability. Continue to nurture your confidence and self-image independent of his struggles.
I know there are no easy answers here, but you deserve to have your needs taken seriously. Keep advocating for yourself and your marriage. Be clear in your expectations and don’t hesitate to establish firm boundaries around what you need from your husband.
Hopefully with the right professional guidance and a commitment to doing the work, you two can find your way to a more fulfilling intimate life. If not, know that you have every right to seek the happiness you deserve, even if that means making painful decisions.
Wishing you all the best as you navigate this challenging chapter.