We all like to think we’re good at reading people and figuring out why they do the shit they do. Your coworker snapped at you in a meeting? Must be because he’s an asshole with anger issues. That lady cut you off in traffic? Obviously it’s because she’s a self-absorbed, horrible driver.
Well I’m here to burst your bubble. Turns out, you actually suck at judging other people’s behavior. And so does everyone else. It all comes down to a pesky little cognitive bias called the fundamental attribution error.
Here’s how it works: when someone else fucks up or does something annoying, we attribute it to their personality and character. “She’s just a rude bitch,” we say. But when WE screw up in the exact same way, we blame the circumstances. “I was just having a bad day,” or “I was stressed and not thinking clearly.”
See the problem? We cut ourselves all sorts of slack, but when judging others, it’s all about their flaws as a person. We ignore the situational factors influencing their behavior.
Maybe your coworker snapped because he’s going through a rough divorce and hasn’t been sleeping. Maybe that lady cut you off because she just found out her kid is sick and she’s rushing to pick him up. There’s often a lot more to the story that you’re oblivious to.
The truth is, people’s behavior is largely driven by their environment and circumstances, not just their core personality traits. But the fundamental attribution error causes us to zoom in on character and ignore context.
And this doesn’t just lead to us being judgmental assholes. It actually fucks up our relationships and interactions. By wrongly attributing people’s actions to their fixed personality, we assume they’ll always act that way. We write them off or treat them poorly, instead of considering the reasons behind their behavior.
So what’s the solution? How do we avoid this trap?
First step: realize you’re susceptible to the bias. It affects all of us, no matter how smart or perceptive we think we are. Stay humble and recognize your judgment of others can often be flawed.
Second: put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Pause your knee-jerk reaction of “Wow what a bitch/asshole/idiot” and consider the situational factors that could explain their behavior. What’s going on in their life that you might not be aware of? What circumstances could have contributed?
This doesn’t mean you have to excuse everyone’s shitty behavior. Some people do just consistently suck. But very often there’s more to the story. And giving others the benefit of the doubt can improve your relationships and emotional reactions.
So next time someone is pissing you off, take a step back before writing them off as a shit human being. Consider the context. Realize you could act the exact same way in their situation.
Congrats, you’re now slightly less of a judgmental ass. You’re welcome.