I’ve been married for 6 years and have been cheating on my wife with my ex-gf for a good chunk of our marriage. My wife found out a few years ago, we went to counseling and I stopped the affair for about a year.
One day I got an itch and started talking to my ex again, one thing led to another, and I ended up cheating again for another few years. My wife found out again and she almost divorced me for about the 3rd time in our marriage.
I need to rebuild the trust, but I don’t know how. I need to fix our relationship, but I don’t know how. I want to be better. I’ve been nothing but open and honest with my wife about what happened. I’ve agreed to let her track my phone (she thinks that I’ll leave it somewhere to go fuck my ex), have access to all my emails and alternate Facebook accounts (but she thinks I’ll just make more).
Any help would be appreciated.
Where do I even begin?
Let’s start with the elephant in the room: You’ve been cheating on your wife for most of your marriage. Not once, not twice, but consistently, with breaks only when you get caught. And now you’re asking how to rebuild trust?
I hate to break it to you, but you can’t rebuild something you’ve systematically demolished with a wrecking ball. Multiple times.
You say you want to be better, that you’ve been “nothing but open and honest” about what happened. But here’s the thing: Being honest about your dishonesty after the fact isn’t the same as being trustworthy. It’s like saying, “I’ve been nothing but open and honest about robbing that bank.” The honesty doesn’t negate the action.
Your wife’s skepticism about phone tracking and account access isn’t paranoia – it’s a completely rational response to your pattern of behavior. You’ve shown her, repeatedly, that you can’t be trusted. Why should she believe this time is different?
Now, let’s talk about what you’re not saying. You mention wanting to rebuild trust and fix the relationship, but I don’t hear a word about why you keep cheating or how you plan to address that fundamental issue. Have you considered that maybe – just maybe – you’re not cut out for monogamy? Or that there might be deeper issues driving your behavior?
If you genuinely want to be better, start by being honest with yourself. Why do you keep going back to your ex? What are you getting from that relationship that you’re not getting (or not allowing yourself to get) from your marriage? These are the questions you need to grapple with.
Here’s what I suggest:
- Individual therapy. Not couples counseling, not yet. You need to do some serious work on yourself first.
- Give your wife space. You’ve put her through emotional hell. If she wants to leave, let her. If she wants to stay, respect her need for time and distance to process.
- Stop making promises you can’t keep. Trust isn’t rebuilt through grand gestures or surveillance. It’s rebuilt through consistent, reliable behavior over time.
- Be prepared for the possibility that this marriage might not be salvageable. Your actions have consequences, and one of those might be the end of your relationship.
- Regardless of what happens with your marriage, commit to breaking this cycle. Whether it’s through therapy, support groups, or other means, find healthier ways to deal with your “itches.”
Remember, rebuilding trust isn’t about convincing your wife to believe you. It’s about becoming someone worthy of that trust. And that, my friend, is going to take a lot more than phone tracking and password sharing.
You’ve got a long, hard road ahead of you. But if you’re serious about change, it starts with you – not with what your wife does or doesn’t allow you to do. Good luck.