He’s the nicest guy I’ve been with and I love him, but I cannot stop thinking about this aspect of him. We are in our mid/late 20s, and I feel like we are in different stages of our lives. I work in a professional setting and am pursuing my masters, while he is unemployed and hasn’t received his degree.
He tells me he wants the same things as I do (good job, stable finances, travel, etc), but he does nothing to achieve it. I have to push him to even think about applying to jobs since he keeps promising he will look, but never follows through and pushes the date with an excuse. He always has an excuse with why he won’t apply for an entry level office job.
He wants to marry me, but I can’t. I have been upfront that I don’t expect to be the breadwinner while he stays at home, watches movies, plays video games, drinks, smokes, and wakes up in the afternoon.
He says he wants things to be financially equal, but logically it doesn’t add up to me. I will be making more money than him, and will have to pick up on bills, expenses, etc. I truly believe he believes what he says, but he doesn’t understand or want to put the work in to get there. This is not how I pictured my life.
Other than this, we are very compatible, so it’s confusing. I trust him and love him.
How do I get over this?
You don’t “get over this.” This isn’t a minor quirk or an annoying habit – it’s a fundamental incompatibility in values, goals, and lifestyle.
You say you’re “very compatible,” but are you really? Compatibility isn’t just about getting along day-to-day or enjoying each other’s company. It’s about shared values, mutual respect, and moving in the same direction in life. Right now, you’re climbing a mountain while he’s lounging in base camp.
Let’s be clear: There’s nothing inherently wrong with his choices. Some people are content with a low-key lifestyle and minimal career ambitions. The problem is that it doesn’t align with what you want for yourself or your partner.
You say you love him and he’s nice, but love and niceness aren’t enough to build a life on. You need shared goals, mutual support, and a partner who pulls their weight – not just in finances, but in the emotional labor of building a life together.
Your boyfriend isn’t just unemployed; he’s showing a lack of follow-through, a tendency to make excuses, and an apparent disconnect between his stated desires and his actions. These aren’t just career issues – they’re character issues that will affect every aspect of your life together.
You’re not his mother or his life coach. It’s not your job to push him to apply for jobs or to motivate him to match your ambitions. That has to come from within him, and right now, it’s just not there.
Here’s the hard truth: You can’t change him. You’ve been upfront about your expectations, and he’s shown you who he is and what he’s willing to do. Believe him.
Instead of asking how to get over this, ask yourself: Is this the life you want? Is this the partner you want to build a future with? Because marrying him won’t suddenly instill him with ambition or work ethic. It will just legally bind you to someone whose life goals and values don’t match yours.
You’re young, you’re driven, and you have a clear vision for your future. Don’t compromise that for someone who’s not meeting you halfway. It’s okay to love someone and still recognize that they’re not the right life partner for you. Sometimes, the kindest thing you can do – for both of you – is to let go.