We’ve been together 7 years, married 3. Over the last 12 – 18 months I’ve noticed her lying about more and more. Nothing hugely significant (that I’m aware of), but it is becoming more and more common.
For example, yesterday she told me her mother had given her a new dress as a gift, when my wife had actually bought it herself. I found this out by noticing the receipt when I was tidying up and asked her about it. I don’t care about the dress – It wasn’t hugely expensive, so whatever.
What bothers me is that she lied. I feel that if she keeps lying about small things, I can’t trust her on more important things. When I confronted her about the lie she basically trivialised me being upset and made fun of me about it.
Am I wrong for being upset about it? This is my only relationship. I don’t really know what’s “normal” in a relationship (if anything is!), but I feel that spouse shouldn’t lie to each other.
You are not wrong for being upset about this. Not at all.
Let’s start with the obvious: A healthy marriage is built on respect and trust. Your wife’s behavior is undermining both. Lying is not “normal” in a solid relationship, whether it’s about big things or small. Trust is the bedrock of intimacy, and your wife is taking a sledgehammer to it, one little fib at a time.
What’s particularly concerning here isn’t just the lie itself, but her reaction when confronted. Trivializing your feelings and mocking you for being upset? That’s gaslighting 101, and it’s a major red flag. It shows a fundamental lack of respect for you and your feelings – another crucial element missing from this picture.
Now, I’m not saying your wife is some mustache-twirling villain. People often lie about small things out of insecurity, shame, or a misguided attempt to avoid conflict. But that doesn’t make it okay, and it certainly doesn’t excuse her dismissive response to your valid concerns.
Here’s what I suggest:
- Have a come-to-Jesus talk with your wife. Choose a calm moment and explain how deeply this pattern of dishonesty is affecting you. Use “I” statements: “I feel hurt and confused when you aren’t truthful with me, even about small things. It makes me wonder what else might not be true.”
- Try to get to the root of why she’s lying. Is she feeling judged about her spending? Is there something else going on that’s making her feel the need to hide things?
- Be clear about your boundaries. Let her know that honesty isn’t optional in your relationship, and that her current behavior is eroding your trust.
- Consider couples counseling. A neutral third party can help you both communicate more effectively and work through any underlying issues.
- Pay attention to how she responds to this conversation. If she continues to dismiss your concerns or escalate the lying, you may need to do some serious soul-searching about the future of this relationship.
Remember, you’re not being oversensitive or unreasonable. You deserve a partner who respects you enough to be honest, even when it’s uncomfortable. A marriage without trust and mutual respect is like a house without a foundation – it simply can’t stand. Don’t let anyone convince you that you should settle for less.