Hi, I’ve been dating my partner, let’s call them M for now for a little over a year. However early on in the relationship M cheated on me once and immediately came to me and told me out of guilt. I thought their apology was sweet and very real so I decided to give them another chance despite always saying I’d never give a cheater a second chance.
Well long story short, it’s been 11 months since they cheated on me and I still can’t find it in my heart to trust them the same way I did before. And I don’t know if I ever will.
I had never been cheated on before and I think this might have really given me trust issues. What should I do? I love them but I am very scared about so many things.
Oof. I feel for you. Cheating is a gut punch, and the aftermath can be a long, messy road.
Trust, once broken, is incredibly difficult to rebuild. It’s like trying to put a shattered vase back together – even if you manage it, you’ll always see the cracks.
There’s no “should” here. You don’t owe M your trust, even after 11 months. You don’t owe them a relationship. You don’t owe yourself a relationship with someone you can’t trust. The only thing you owe yourself is honesty.
So let’s get honest. You say you love M, but you’re scared. What are you scared of? Are you scared of being hurt again? Of wasting time? Of never feeling secure? Drill down into those fears.
Now, flip it: What would make you feel safe? What would rebuilding trust look like to you? Is that something M can provide, or are you hoping for the impossible?
It’s okay if you can’t answer these questions yet. It’s okay if the answers change. But start asking them.
People can change, but change is hard. M coming clean immediately was a good sign. But has M done the work to understand why they cheated? Have they made concrete changes to address whatever underlying issues led to that choice?
And you – have you done any work to process this? Therapy can be incredibly helpful for unpacking the complex emotions that come with infidelity.
Ultimately, you get to decide what’s right for you. If you’re not feeling it after nearly a year, it’s okay to say, “I tried, but this isn’t working.” It’s also okay to say, “I need more time.” Or “I need X, Y, and Z to feel secure.”
Just remember: Your peace of mind is not a sacrifice you have to make for love. A healthy relationship should make you feel safe, not constantly on edge.
Take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself. And know that whatever you decide, you’ll be okay.