My boyfriend and I have been dating for 10 years. I decided that we needed to take a step in the relationship so I decided to move in with him. Prior to moving in with him I was living in an apartment for 3 years that I really loved. I was comfortable there and everything was decorated how I wanted it to be.
But we got a dog together and after 3 years of being a 1 hour distance apart I decided not to renew my lease. He had an extra room where he currently lives and always welcomed me to move in.
Well I’ve been here probably a month and everything is just going awful. When I moved in I realized he doesn’t have a dish washer so dishes are constantly piled in the sink.
Today his oven stopped working completely and last week the shower spout broke while I was showering.
I feel like there has been an argument every day since I moved because of things like this and he just keeps saying “you knew what this was before you moved here nobody told you you had to” and for me it’s like granted yes you didn’t force me to move in here but I sacrificed my whole living situation to try to take a step in the relationship.
I kind of just feel like an idiot and have been crying every day. I just ask myself after 10 years of dating if we can’t live together how are we even supposed to have a relationship.
First, let’s address the elephant in the room: Ten years is a long time to date without taking this step. That’s not a judgment, just an observation that suggests there might have been some hesitation on both sides. It’s worth exploring why.
Now, onto the current situation. You’re dealing with two separate issues here: the physical state of the apartment and the state of your relationship. Let’s tackle them one at a time.
The apartment: Yes, it’s a downgrade from what you’re used to. No dishwasher, broken oven, wonky plumbing – it’s not ideal. But these are fixable problems. If you’re both committed to making this work, sit down together and make a list of what needs fixing or upgrading. Prioritize, budget, and tackle them one by one. It could even be a bonding experience if you approach it as a team.
The relationship: This is the trickier part. Your boyfriend’s response – “you knew what this was before you moved here” – is defensive and unhelpful. It suggests he’s feeling attacked and is lashing out instead of addressing the real issues. On your side, you’re feeling disappointed and maybe a bit resentful about sacrificing your comfortable living situation.
Here’s what I suggest:
- Take a breath. A month is not long enough to judge whether you can live together long-term. It’s an adjustment period, and it’s normal for it to be rocky.
- Have a calm, honest conversation with your boyfriend. Not in the heat of an argument, but at a neutral time. Express your feelings without blame. “I’m feeling overwhelmed and disappointed. I want us to work together to make this a home we both love.”
- Set clear expectations. What does each of you consider a clean, well-maintained home? How will you divide chores? These conversations aren’t sexy, but they’re crucial.
- Give it time. Set a reasonable timeframe – say, six months – to work on these issues together. If things don’t improve, then you can reevaluate.
- Consider couples counseling. After ten years, you might benefit from some professional help in navigating this new phase of your relationship.
Remember, moving in together doesn’t just test your compatibility – it tests your problem-solving skills as a couple. How you handle this challenge could actually strengthen your relationship if you approach it as a team.
Lastly, be kind to yourself. You’re not an idiot for trying to move your relationship forward. You’re brave for taking a risk. Now, roll up your sleeves and see if you can turn this place into a home – together.