My wife and I have been married for 6 years and overall have had a good relationship since being teenage sweethearts. Like most relationships we do have the occasional argument about things but never anything huge and things would generally settle down after a day when we apologise.
Today my wife asked to talk and sat me down to tell me she’s been speaking with another guy for the last 3 months. She said that she thought he was just a friend as she met him at one of her hobbies. They started talking and she admitted that she has been quite open with him, sharing personal details about our relationship. Things like screenshots of our arguments if we had them, venting about things that I’m doing that are annoying her, complaining about the last vacation we went on and my wider family.
This went on for a couple of months and apparently we’re talking most days. she then said the guy turned up outside my house whilst I was away with friends to talk. She then went outside and he confessed he loved her and to leave me.
She then said she cut all contact with him after that and she was not after that kind of relationship. He’s then sent her a few messages which I’ve read that are asking her to leave me as he isn’t like me. Unfortunately she has deleted every other message they sent as she said she didn’t want to look at them anymore which I find really worrying as for my own peace of mind Id want to see them to know that nothing romantic was spoken about.
I’m completely heartbroken by the whole thing. I’m a very private person, I do my hobbies I work hard and love my family. The way this stranger spoke about me in the message I saw makes it seem that he thinks I’m a terrible abusive husband. Which can only be a result of what she has been saying about me.
I feel like there’s just no respect from her towards me for this situation to even occur as I just can’t comprehend how you speak to anyone other than a therapist about your intimate relationships. Let alone a guy you’ve met for maybe 4 months.
I’m completely lost and have no idea what to say, how to act or what to do?
Oh, dear. What a tangled web we find ourselves in. The pain and confusion in your words are palpable, and it’s completely understandable given the situation you’re facing.
Let’s take a moment to unpack this, shall we? Your wife’s behavior is undoubtedly concerning, but it’s not necessarily a death knell for your relationship. The fact that she came clean to you, even if it was after three months, suggests there’s still a thread of honesty between you. That’s something to hold onto, even as you grapple with the hurt and betrayal you’re feeling.
That said, sharing intimate details of your relationship with a stranger, including screenshots of arguments, is a serious breach of trust. It’s disrespectful to you and to the sanctity of your marriage. And those deleted messages? They’re a red flag, my friend. While it’s possible she deleted them out of genuine remorse, it also prevents you from knowing the full extent of their conversations. This lack of transparency can breed more distrust, and that’s the last thing you need right now.
As for this other man’s behavior – showing up at your house and professing love – that’s wildly inappropriate. Your wife needs to understand how her actions enabled this situation.
So, what now? First, allow yourself to feel. You’re hurt, angry, confused – that’s all valid. Don’t try to rush past these emotions. Once you’ve had a chance to process a bit, it’s time for an honest conversation with your wife. Express how her actions have made you feel. Be clear about what you consider acceptable behavior in your marriage.
If you’re both committed to moving forward, consider couples counseling. A neutral third party can help you navigate this rough patch and improve your communication. It’s also worth reflecting on your relationship. Are there underlying issues that made your wife seek emotional connection elsewhere? This doesn’t excuse her behavior, but understanding it can help prevent future problems.
Remember, healing from this will take time. It’s okay if you’re not ready to forgive immediately. What matters is that you both commit to working on your relationship – if that’s what you want.
And a final note: This other man’s perception of you is based on a skewed narrative. Don’t let it shake your self-worth. You know who you are, and that’s what matters.
Take care of yourself as you navigate this challenging time. You’ve got a long road ahead, but with honesty, commitment, and perhaps a bit of professional guidance, you can come out stronger on the other side.