We had our baby last year. She was two months old when it first happened. Can’t recall context. Afterward I was very upset and asked him to swear that we never bring up leaving each other unless we mean it. He denied having said that but agreed.
The next time he did it was a few months ago. He got angry because the dog jumped on him, yelled, and the baby cried. We ran into another room. He followed soon after, saying it was too much chaos and that he needs me to help him. I told him he was traumatizing baby, that its damaging. He said fine I’ll just leave, then.
Third time was about a month ago. He came home from work. I was in the bedroom. He comes in and demands to know if I’d been in the family room, and announces that the dog had ripped up all my paper coffee filters and made a mess. Then he starts looking at my dresser and says I am so messy and he can’t live like this and wouldn’t have married me if he knew I was going to live like this.
Fourth time was last week. I asked if I could change baby into Christmas outfit since he’d see Santa. He got upset, said I didn’t respect time. I said “OK” and immediately moved to put baby in stroller because I didn’t want to fight. But he kept on and on. “I hear you,” I say, “that’s why I immediately put baby in stroller.” He says I’m dismissive and I should apologize. I fucking apologize; I don’t want to fight I just want to move on with my night.
He starts asking if I even want to still go. We decide to go. The dog jumps in my way and I say to the dog, “please get out of my way, I’m not in a good mood.” Husband stops in his tracks, starts attacking me again, claims I told him I’m mad at him (rather than telling the dog, but whatever) and tells me that he’s “going back home — actually, no. I’m LEAVING.”
This is not okay. Not even close.
Your husband’s behavior is ringing alarm bells left and right. What you’re describing isn’t just a communication problem – it’s a pattern of emotional manipulation and volatility that’s deeply concerning, especially with a young child in the mix.
Think about it: he’s repeatedly threatening to leave during conflicts, which is a classic tactic to keep you anxious and walking on eggshells. He’s creating chaos, yelling and upsetting the baby, then demanding you fix his emotional state. That’s not partnership; that’s him failing to regulate his own emotions and expecting you to clean up the mess.
And the criticism? Coffee filters on the floor don’t warrant threats to end a marriage. Bringing up regrets about marrying you is just plain cruel. He’s taking minor disagreements – like the Christmas outfit incident – and blowing them up into major conflicts. You tried to de-escalate, and he pushed until you apologized for… what, exactly? Having an opinion?
Most alarmingly, he’s showing zero concern for how this affects your child. Babies are incredibly perceptive. This level of tension and unpredictability can have lasting effects on their sense of security and emotional development.
You’re not overreacting. Your instinct to protect your child by leaving the room is spot-on. But it’s not enough. You need a larger plan to ensure both your and your child’s emotional (and possibly physical) safety.
Start by documenting these incidents. Write down dates, what was said, and how it made you feel. This will help you see patterns more clearly and could be important if you need outside help. Consider confiding in a trusted friend or family member – you shouldn’t have to carry this burden alone.
It’s time to think seriously about what you want and need. Are you safe? Is your child safe? Is this the environment you want your little one growing up in? These are tough questions, but necessary ones.
I strongly urge you to seek professional help. A therapist can provide tools to navigate this situation and support your mental health. Couples counseling could be beneficial, but only if your husband is genuinely willing to examine his behavior and make real changes.
Remember, you deserve a partner who treats you with respect, who works through conflicts constructively, and who prioritizes the wellbeing of your family. Your child deserves a stable, loving environment. Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.
Stay strong, trust your instincts, and please, take care of yourself and that little one. You both deserve so much better than this.