I met my wife a few years ago and we got married last year. She also had a daughter who is in college and was from a previous relationship about 20 years ago.
My wife’s ex was very abusive and she literally had to run away from him with her daughter and ever since then the two of them had a really good mother-daughter relationship like they are best friends for life. I also thought she was a great person and the three of us hang out quite often as a family.
But since our marriage, my wife seemed to have lost her libido and so I have been frustrated sexually in the relationship.
Then I happened to find out that her daughter also had feelings for me and I ended up succumbing to those feelings. I made excuses about attending a business conference when in reality I spent the weekend with her daughter.
I regret cheating and doing it with the one person my wife trusted the most. But I also can’t take what I did back and I know revealing the truth would destroy my wife.
Her daughter also wouldn’t want to hurt her mother so we have agreed to keep it a secret and came up with rules to keep our infidelity hidden so it is unlikely my wife would ever find out.
I did feel really bad at first but I can’t confess the truth nor let this destroy me mentally as that would break our family and especially my wife. As long as no one finds out, all of us will live as we have before and that is just how I will have to justify my situation.
Where to even begin? You’ve got yourself tangled in a web of deceit that’s more complicated than a soap opera plot, and the consequences of your actions are already playing out in painful ways. Let’s unpack this step by step, shall we?
First, the context: Your wife escaped a harrowing, abusive relationship and managed to build a strong, loving bond with her daughter. This is a testament to her strength and resilience. Then you come along, become part of this new family dynamic, and everything seems to be working out—until it’s not.
Now, your confession. You’ve crossed a boundary that can’t be uncrossed, and the repercussions of your actions, whether revealed or not, are bound to ripple through your relationships. Keeping this secret might seem like the least destructive option, but secrets have a way of festering and corroding trust over time.
You’re right that revealing the truth would devastate your wife, but let’s be honest: Your current strategy of living a lie isn’t a sustainable solution. It’s a temporary fix that will likely cause more harm in the long run. Every interaction with your wife and her daughter will be colored by this secret, and maintaining this facade is going to take a significant toll on you—mentally, emotionally, and perhaps even physically.
Consider what’s at stake. Your wife’s trust, your integrity, and the entire foundation of your marriage are compromised. The relationship between your wife and her daughter is also at risk, even if she doesn’t find out. You’re asking for advice on how to justify this situation to yourself, but the reality is that some actions can’t be justified—they can only be faced with honesty and accountability.
So, what now? First, you need to seek professional help. A therapist can provide a safe space for you to process your feelings, understand the gravity of your actions, and work through the guilt and regret you’re experiencing. It’s crucial to address why you made the choices you did and how to prevent such a breach of trust in the future.
Second, think long and hard about your next steps. Honesty might be the hardest path, but it’s also the one that has the potential to rebuild trust, if not salvage the relationship. If you truly believe in the sanctity of your marriage and care about the well-being of your wife, you owe it to her to confront this head-on, even if it means facing the consequences.
Lastly, be prepared for the fallout. No matter how you proceed, there will be repercussions. Relationships might end, and trust will be shattered, but dealing with the truth now is better than living a lie that will eventually unravel. True healing and growth come from confronting our mistakes, not hiding from them.
Take responsibility for your actions, seek the help you need, and move forward with the intention of being a better person and partner. It won’t be easy, but integrity rarely is.