My closest friend’s now ex-wife cheated on him for the last several years of their marriage. He found out about it the first time and forgave her. He accepted some of the blame because “he must not have kept her happy enough”. They went to counseling and (he) tried to make it work. I kept telling him that her heart wasn’t in it, she wasn’t committed, etc. He kept at it until finding out that she had never broken it off with her affair partner a couple years later.
This guy absolutely adored his wife. Just the way he’d talk about her. He’d get her random flowers. Kept all three kids while she’d go shopping. She always drove a new vehicle. Always went to decent restaurants and concerts. He’d always be working multiple side gigs so she’d be “happy”. He’s honestly a good looking, in shape dude too.
After all of the shit she dragged him and his children through, HE’S STILL NICE TO HER!!!! Answers the phone whenever she calls. Cancels plans and keeps the kids on her scheduled days. Gives her financial advice. Gives her advice with her car. Goes to the house and alongside his son, helps move heavy shit for her.
I want to punch him in his stupid fucking face!!She was using you at the end of the marriage and she’s using you now!!!
Oh, for the love of… Your friend needs a wake-up call, and you’re right to be frustrated.
First off, let’s address the elephant in the room: Your friend is being a doormat. A well-intentioned, kind-hearted doormat, but a doormat nonetheless. And you know what happens to doormats? They get walked all over.
Now, I get it. He loved her. He probably still does, in that masochistic, self-destructive way that makes the rest of us want to shake some sense into him. But love isn’t an excuse to be a human punching bag.
Here’s the deal: His ex-wife didn’t just make a mistake. She didn’t just slip and fall onto another man’s… well, you get the idea. She made a series of calculated decisions to betray him, lie to him, and then keep on betraying him even after he forgave her. That’s not a “whoopsie,” that’s emotional warfare.
And now? Now she’s using him like a Swiss Army knife of ex-husband utilities. Need some heavy lifting? Call the ex! Car trouble? Ex to the rescue! Financial advice? Who you gonna call? Ex-husband!
Your friend needs to understand that being a good person doesn’t mean being a pushover. He can be a good co-parent without being her personal assistant/handyman/financial advisor. He’s not doing anyone any favors by maintaining this charade of amicability – not himself, not his kids, and certainly not his ex.
So, what can you do? Well, as much as you might want to (and believe me, I get it), don’t actually punch him in his “stupid fucking face.” Instead:
- Have a come-to-Jesus talk with him. Lay it all out. Tell him exactly how you see this situation and why it’s unhealthy.
- Suggest he get some therapy. Not couples therapy this time, but good old-fashioned “why do I let people treat me like crap” therapy.
- Encourage him to start setting boundaries. He doesn’t have to be mean, but he can be firm. “Sorry, I can’t come over to move furniture. That’s not my responsibility anymore.”
Remember, you can’t force him to change. But you can be there with a reality check when he’s ready to hear it. And maybe, just maybe, keep a punching bag handy for when you need to work out that frustration. It’s healthier than punching your friend, even if he is being an idiot.
Hang in there. It’s not easy watching someone you care about be a human doormat. But keep being honest with him. Eventually, he’ll either stand up for himself or develop an impressive collection of footprints on his back. Let’s hope it’s the former.