This has been aching me since forever and I can’t take it anymore. My husband 35M and I 33F have been together for 4 years and married for 3 months. He’a always been very private and low profile all his life and even before he met me. When we first got together, he used to tell me everything about his finances (not in detail) but he used to share with me how much he has or how much in debt he is with his credit cards and all.
During our engagement, he changed jobs and since then he stopped sharing anything with me. He knows how much I make and all the details about my finances, but when I ask him he acts as if I’m invading his privacy or smothering him! I once asked him how much he makes a month so that we can plan our budgeting and responsibilities together. He refused to tell me the exact salary, told me an average of what he makes and I didn’t insist to know back then.
Recently though, he told me he had a loan for us to get married. I asked him about it as a normal response to the conversation with the pure intention of helping him out. He implied that it was a big number but also refused to tell me the amount. I tried to tell him that our marriage shouldn’t have secrets and I want our marriage to have transparency and shared responsibility. Or at least that’s how I see healthy marriage. I asked him if he doesn’t trust me, and he said it’s not about trust, it’s about what makes him comfortable and that I should respect his privacy. However, he also said there’s only one person who knows about the loan and he’s the only person he shared it with because it’s his business partner. I don’t know how to feel about this. All I see is that he trusts his partner more than me. I can’t even understand how sharing your finances with your spouse would be “uncomfortable.”
Please tell me if I’m in the wrong here. He keeps manipulating me that I’m a bitch who doesn’t respect his privacy or what makes him comfortable, and that he could’ve kept the whole loan thing from me. In other words, I should be thankful that he even decided to share with me that he took a loan. I don’t even want to know about the loan anymore. He is very cautious when it comes to sharing any information with me.
He says it’s something in his “nature” and I can’t force him to change just because we got married. It’s in his nature that he doesn’t disclose any financial information with anyone. I keep telling him that would be the case if he was single, but now he’s married and I have the right to have an honest and open marriage. How should I react? What should I do to make him understand the importance of transparency in a healthy marriage? He truly believes there’s an ulterior motive behind my question and not just genuine care and worrisome.
Alright, let’s take off the kid gloves and get real here. You’re not overreacting – if anything, you’re underreacting. This whole situation stinks worse than week-old fish.
Let’s call a spade a spade: Your husband’s behavior isn’t just odd, it’s downright suspicious. You’re married, for crying out loud! Finances aren’t supposed to be some CIA-level secret between spouses. The fact that he’s clamming up tighter than a oyster at low tide should have alarm bells ringing in your head.
Here’s the cold, hard truth: You need to start digging, and I mean yesterday. This isn’t about respecting his privacy anymore; this is about protecting yourself. For all you know, he could be hiding a mountain of debt, a gambling addiction, or – and I hate to even suggest this – another family on the side. I’m not saying it’s definitely happening, but honey, where there’s smoke, there’s often fire.
You mentioned he has a business partner who knows about this mysterious loan. That’s a thread you might want to pull on. Start asking around, discreetly of course. See if you can piece together what’s really going on.
Now, let’s talk about you. You need to protect yourself, pronto. Here’s what you do:
- Get your hands on a copy of both of your credit reports. You have a right to know if he’s taking out loans in both your names.
- Start squirreling away some money in an account he doesn’t know about. Call it an insurance policy.
- Consider talking to a lawyer. You need to know where you stand legally if this whole thing goes south.
- If you have any joint accounts, keep a close eye on them. Any unusual activity, you pounce on it.
Look, I know this isn’t what you wanted to hear. But you need to wake up and smell the financial secrecy. This isn’t just about budgeting anymore; this is about your future and your safety.
Remember, in a healthy marriage, financial transparency isn’t just nice to have – it’s non-negotiable. The fact that you’re only finding this out now, after the wedding, is a red flag the size of Texas.
Don’t let him manipulate you into thinking you’re the unreasonable one here. You’re not. He’s the one acting shady, and you have every right to be concerned.
Stay strong, stay alert, and for heaven’s sake, start protecting yourself. Because if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that when it comes to money and marriage, hope for the best but prepare for the worst.