We were getting ready to go on a 4 hour road trip and I come into our room and he quickly pulls his pants up. I saw the bright colors and went over and slightly pulled his pants down and he was wearing my thong.
I asked him why is he wearing those and wouldn’t that be uncomfortable for a road trip? He was visibly shaking and said it was a joke, I just wanted to see if you would notice. I know he was just saying that by the way he was shaking and his tone.
Been with this man for 19 years. I’m also positive he’s been doing this for a while because other things that have happened “clicked” after this. Too much to get into. I’m just kinda lost here.
First, I am honestly not really ok with this. It’s not attractive and honestly quite a turn off for me.
Second, I don’t even know how to bring it up again because he was so embarrassed that I know he will never admit to anything.
Third, as horrible as it may sound, I’m considering divorce over this. Not just this one incident in particular, but because I’m thinking this is something he’s into and I’m not okay with that.
Finding out your partner of 19 years has been secretly playing dress-up with your underwear is… well, it’s a lot. It’s like finding out your dog can suddenly speak French. You’re shocked, confused, and wondering if everything you thought you knew was a lie.
But let’s take a deep breath here. Is this really divorce-worthy? I mean, unless he’s been using your credit card to finance a secret lingerie addiction or something, we’re talking about a personal quirk, not a criminal offense.
That being said, your feelings are valid. If this is a turn-off for you, that’s okay. You’re allowed to have preferences. But here’s the thing – your husband is clearly mortified. He’s probably been carrying this secret around for years, terrified of this exact moment. And now that it’s happened, he’s retreated into his shell faster than a snail at a salt convention.
So, what do you do? Well, here are a few suggestions:
- Talk to him. I know, I know, he’s not going to admit to anything. But you need to create a safe space for him to open up. Maybe start with, “Hey, about that thong incident… I want you to know that I love you, and I’m here to listen without judgment if you want to talk about it.”
- Consider couples therapy. A neutral third party might help facilitate this conversation and help you both process your feelings.
- Educate yourself. Look, I’m not saying you have to be okay with this. But understanding more about cross-dressing might help you process what’s going on.
- Set boundaries. If this is something he’s into, figure out what you’re comfortable with and what you’re not. Maybe you’re okay with it as long as he doesn’t wear your underwear (hygiene, people!).
- Take some time to really think about your marriage. Is this truly the deal-breaker, or is it the straw that broke the camel’s back? Are there other issues at play here?
Remember, 19 years is a long time. That’s a lot of history, a lot of love, and probably a lot of compromises along the way. Is this really the hill you want to die on?
That said, if you truly can’t get past this, that’s okay too. You’re allowed to have deal-breakers. Just make sure you’re making that decision based on the whole picture of your marriage, not just this one shocking moment.
And for heaven’s sake, if you do stay together, buy the man his own thongs. Sharing underwear is just unsanitary.