I’m concerned for my child. Yes she’s an adult but I feel like she’s making the worst decision for herself. I don’t approve AT ALL.
My daughter had good things going on for herself. She graduated high school, went to college and graduated with her associates, got accepted into dental school and all of its going down the drain because she’s chosen to invest her time and energy into her “soulmate”.
About a year ago, my daughter started writing letters to prisoners as a pen pal to keep them company. At first I was uncomfortable with the idea for many, many reasons (it never crossed my mind that she’d fallen for a criminal) but I still rented a P.O. Box for her so she wouldn’t give out her address.
My daughter was in a healthy relationship with her now ex-fiancé. They’ve been together since her senior year in high school and they got engaged 6 months ago. A month ago, my daughter told me that she and her fiancé were taking a break and two weeks ago she called off the engagement and left him. He’s a complete wreck.. He feels so blindsided as do I because I believed my daughter was truly in love but she wasn’t, she wasn’t happy.
I’ve been very supportive of my daughter during this whole situation, that is until she told me she was already in a new relationship. I was taken aback. I obviously started questioning her about it and she confessed that she had fallen for one of the prisoners she’s written to, in fact, they’ve been together for 3 months. It makes me sick to my stomach even typing this out right now because I just can’t believe it. She said they’ve been in contact for almost 8 months and since then they’ve fallen more and more in love with each other. She’s visited him multiple times. She’s shown me pictures of them embracing
I’ve tried expressing my concerns to her but she’s in a whole other world. She told me the last in person visit they had he popped the question and she said yes, that’s when I snapped. I was and am very pissed about this whole situation and she’s hurt that I’m not supportive of her decisions. She defended their relationship and her choices and we started arguing. It got so bad that now she’s not speaking to me and it breaks my heart. I love my child but I will never approve of this relationship.
I understand that as an adult, she has the right to make her own choices, and l’ve always been proud of her independence. But as someone who truly loves her deeply, it’s hard for me to watch her make a decision that I feel could be harmful to herself. I’m scared for her because of what I’ve learned about this person’s past, and I can’t shake the fear of what could happen. I don’t want to lose her to a situation that seems so risky. I don’t know what else I can do and I feel so hopeless. Please, what else can I do?
Oh boy. I feel for you, I really do. This is every parent’s nightmare – watching your child make what seems like a disastrous choice and feeling powerless to stop it. The instinct to protect is primal.
But here’s the rub: your daughter is an adult. And as maddening as it can be, adults get to make their own choices, even when those choices look like spectacular mistakes to everyone else.
It’s one of the less-fun parts of parenting: watching our kids potentially set themselves up for heartache or worse.
The harder you push against this relationship, the more likely you are to push your daughter away. And right now, what she needs most is to know she has a safe place to land if (when?) this all goes sideways.
So, counterintuitive as it might seem, your job right now is to take several large steps back. Stop arguing. Stop trying to convince her.
Instead, try something like this: “Honey, I love you and I’m worried. I don’t agree with your choices, but I respect that they’re yours to make. I’m here if you need me, no judgment.”
Then, actually be there. No judgment. No “I told you so”s. Just open arms and open ears.
Your daughter is in the throes of what she believes is true love. Logic and parental wisdom aren’t going to penetrate that fog right now.
The more you push against this relationship, the more she’s likely to cling to it. It’s human nature – we dig in our heels when we feel attacked or misunderstood.
This is a lot to process. Find a therapist or trusted friend to vent to. You need support too.
Remember, your daughter is smart. She graduated high school, got an associate’s degree, was accepted to dental school. That brain of hers is still in there. Trust that she has the capacity to figure things out, even if she’s making questionable choices right now.
Your daughter isn’t doing this to hurt you. She’s following her heart, misguided as it may seem. Your job isn’t to agree with her choices, but to love her through them. That’s the best – and really, the only – thing you can do right now.
Hang in there. This too shall pass, one way or another. And when it does, you want to be the mom she knows she can always come home to.