Both of my parents are only children. Not only this one of my parents was the sole heir of several aunts and uncles. All of my grandparents grew up in the depression and were very conservative with money, drove cars for a long time, lived within their means, saving money, etc.
On the other hand, my parents made horrible financial decisions throughout their life, frequently guilting their parents into giving them money. The house I grew up in was given to my parents by my grandparents (who were not rich).
My parents were very abusive to their parents about money. For example, during the last years of my grandmother’s life, they refused to visit her because she was spending too much of the money they expected to inherit on a private nursing home room.
Similarly, my dad guilted his aunt into buying him a $40k car under the pretext of taking her to the grocery store after she lost her license, only to renege after getting the car because he was too busy (being unemployed).
Now the older generation has all passed away, and my parents have inherited all of their assets. Neither of my parents ever made more than 50k a year.
But as soon as they got the money (maybe $1m) they quit their jobs (pre-social security eligibility) and have gone on to buy 5 $35k-40k cars.
They currently have 4 high-end cars for 2 people, and recently upgraded one that was about 2 years old. That’s only the tip of the iceberg into their frivolous spendings.
My dad has also started using Marijuana to pass the time. Not sure that’s relevant to the financial discussion but certainly is not something I’m proud of. I have tried to talk to them about this, and they just tell me it’s none of my business and they earned it.
Legally the money is theirs. I haven’t taken or asked for a dime from anyone during my adult life. I pay my bills, live within my means, and save.
Just like my grandparents taught me. However, I would be lying if I didn’t say part of me is unhappy that they are (in my view) blowing through money that they didn’t earn and that I thought I’d have some benefit of someday. Indeed, I can’t get over how entitled they were their entire life, only to not model the same thrift and generosity in their old age.
But in addition to that, it is also the values system that has me unhappy. Thrift and family was the mantra of all of my grandparents. They bought used cars and drove them for 20 years, and their only splurge in life was their kids.
Now my parents seem to be hell spent to spending like drunken sailors (high-end purses, luxury cars, fancy computers, quitting their job, expensive and bad financial advice, etc).
Maybe this is the wrong way to look at it but I feel like there was a family compact about living modestly and paying things forward, and my parents threw it out the window when it got to them.
My question isn’t so much about finances but I’m trying to get honest and unbiased views about the situation and how I should feel. How would you feel?
Dear Concerned Offspring,
You’ve presented quite a thorny family situation, one that’s as much about values and family legacy as it is about money. Let’s unpack this a bit.
First, let’s address the elephant in the room: legally, the money is indeed your parents’. They inherited it, and they have the right to spend it as they see fit. That’s the cold, hard truth of the matter. But I sense that you’re grappling with something deeper than just the legal ownership of these funds.
You’re wrestling with a clash of values and a sense of betrayal of family tradition. Your grandparents, products of the Depression era, instilled in you values of thrift, modest living, and financial responsibility. These aren’t just abstract concepts to you – they’re part of your family’s ethos, a legacy passed down through generations. And now, you’re watching your parents seemingly toss that legacy aside in favor of luxury cars and frivolous spending.
It’s natural to feel a sense of loss and disappointment. The “family compact” you speak of – living modestly and paying it forward – was clearly an important part of your upbringing and your understanding of your family’s values. Seeing your parents diverge so dramatically from this path is understandably jarring.
However, it’s crucial to recognize that your parents are adults making their own choices. Their decision to spend lavishly after years of financial struggle (and, frankly, manipulative behavior towards their own parents) might be their way of finally feeling “free” after years of perceived deprivation. It doesn’t make their behavior admirable, but it might help explain it.
As for how you should feel? Well, there’s no “should” when it comes to emotions. You feel what you feel. It’s valid to be disappointed, frustrated, and even angry. The key is what you do with those feelings.
My advice? Focus on your own life and your own values. You say you haven’t taken a dime from anyone during your adult life, that you pay your bills, live within your means, and save. Good for you. You’re living according to the values your grandparents instilled in you. That’s something to be proud of.
As for your parents, it might be time to have a frank conversation with them about your concerns – not just about the money, but about the values that money represents. However, be prepared for them to dismiss your concerns again. If that happens, you may need to accept that you can’t control their choices.
Remember, the true inheritance your grandparents left wasn’t just money – it was the values they instilled in you. Those values will serve you well throughout your life, regardless of what happens to the monetary inheritance.
Lastly, don’t let this situation consume you. It’s okay to feel disappointed, but don’t let it overshadow the good things in your life. Focus on living your best life according to your values. That’s the best way to honor your grandparents’ legacy.
In the end, you can’t control your parents’ choices, but you can control your own. Keep living according to the values you believe in. That’s the most powerful statement you can make.