34M & 34F married for 6 years. Everything was going good until my wife made a comment about my penis size last year.
I didn’t care at first but after a while problems started to occur. First thing is I couldn’t get hard at all for her. I could think of other women and get hard for them but not her.
She apologized right after her comment but it didn’t work. I went to 2 different therapists this year and we also went to marriage counseling but my thing will just not work with her.
It happened after that comment and nothing can solve it. I mentioned divorce this Friday in our discussion and she broke down.
To be honest, I am not sure what’s wrong with me. I don’t feel resentment or anger thinking her comment.
There should be nothing wrong but my thing refuses to act with her. I could be having a hard on but once she gets close, it shuts down.
Therapists didn’t work, marriage counseling didn’t work and the only option I see is divorce here.
Oh, friend. What a mess. And what a potent reminder of how words can slice deep, even when we don’t intend them to.
Let’s start with this: You’re not broken. Your body is reacting to something, and while it may seem irrational or frustrating, it’s telling you something important. The trick is figuring out what.
You say you don’t feel anger or resentment when you think about her comment, but bodies have a funny way of holding onto hurt even when our conscious minds have moved on. It’s possible there’s some deep-seated insecurity or fear that was activated by her words, even if you can’t pinpoint it right now.
That said, fixating on the comment as the sole cause might be oversimplifying things. Sometimes, a seemingly small event can be the tipping point for deeper issues we haven’t acknowledged. Is it possible there were other stressors or dissatisfactions in your relationship that this incident brought to the surface?
Now, about divorce. It’s a valid option, always. But before you go there, I want you to be brutally honest with yourself: Is this truly about sexual function, or has that become a convenient focal point for other relationship issues? If you magically solved the erectile problem tomorrow, would everything else in your marriage feel right?
If the answer is yes, then there might be more work to do here. Have you considered seeing a sex therapist specifically? They often have different approaches than general therapists or marriage counselors when it comes to these issues.
Also, and I know this might sound counterintuitive, but have you tried taking sex off the table entirely for a while? Sometimes, the pressure to perform can be its own saboteur. Spending intimate time together without the expectation of intercourse might help rebuild a physical connection without the anxiety.
Lastly, remember that your wife is hurting too. Her breakdown suggests she’s invested in this relationship. If you haven’t already, consider having a brutally honest conversation about how you’re both feeling – not just about the sex, but about your connection, your fears, your hopes for the relationship.