I’m (24F) having trouble with my parents and cant do anything on my own. They dont want me to move out because rent is expensive and a money sink when we have our own house but she controls everything I do.
I have a long distance boyfriend (28M) of 2 years and we plan on tying the knot in the near future. He’s visiting me next month but my parents dont know about him so I told my parents I wanted to do a “staycation” to unwind. They said yes but they said they will visit me everyday and use the amenities there. I dont know what to do since they wont leave me alone. I help pay the bills, I have a job, and a degree. I pay for all of my things and treat them out occasionally so what am I missing? I dont understand why they wont let me have a life of my own especially at my age. Are there any other asian parents like this???
First off, you’re 24 years old. You’re not a child anymore. You’re an adult with a job, a degree, and the ability to pay your own bills. It’s time to start living like one.
Your parents are exhibiting what we call “enmeshment.” They’re so tangled up in your life that they can’t see where they end and you begin. This isn’t healthy for you or for them. It’s stunting your growth and preventing you from developing the independence you need to thrive as an adult.
Now, I understand the cultural aspect here. Asian families often have different expectations about family dynamics and living arrangements. But cultural norms don’t trump your need for autonomy and growth.
Here’s what you need to do:
- Have an honest conversation with your parents. Tell them that you love and respect them, but that you need to start building your own life. This isn’t about rejecting them; it’s about growing up.
- Be prepared for pushback. They might get upset, they might try to guilt you, they might even threaten to withdraw support. Stand firm. Remember, you’re not asking for permission; you’re informing them of your decision.
- Start making concrete plans to move out. Look for apartments, figure out your budget, and start saving if you haven’t already. Having a solid plan will make you feel more confident and show your parents you’re serious.
- Be honest about your relationship. Hiding your boyfriend of two years isn’t helping anyone. If you’re planning to marry this man, your parents need to know about him.
- Set boundaries and stick to them. If you do this “staycation,” tell your parents firmly that you need alone time and that they can’t visit every day. If they show up anyway, don’t let them in.
Remember, independence isn’t given; it’s taken. Your parents aren’t going to suddenly decide you’re ready to be on your own. You need to decide that for yourself and act accordingly.
This won’t be easy. There will be conflict, there will be guilt, there will be uncomfortable conversations. But that’s part of growing up. It’s time to rip off the band-aid and start living your life on your terms.
You’ve got this. Now go out there and take charge of your life.