I’ve (29M) been dating my girlfriend (29F) for 3 years now. We have been living together for about 15 months. I feel that she is very clingy and overbearing, and it is getting to the point where I am questioning whether I can keep living with someone like this.
Constantly, throughout the day, she texts me and calls me, and I usually respond within 5 minutes. After being with her every hour of my day for the past week (besides when I work), she called me 6 times in the past 48 hours after going to her parent’s house for the weekend. If I am busy, doing my own thing, and don’t respond for 2-3 hours when I’m at work or just not checking my phone, she gets irritated and gives me attitude.
If I go to the gym after work, she asks if I’m going to be home soon, usually 45 minutes into my workout (I used to work out for 90 minutes to 2 hours before dating her, which frustrates me). If I sit in the bedroom for longer than 15-20 minutes while she’s in the living room, she comes in and gets mad at me for “ignoring her.”
I haven’t hung out with my friends once since I’ve met her without her giving me attitude and throwing a fit, though she won’t directly say it’s because I’m hanging out with friends. If I go home to my parents’ house for a day or two (they live about an hour away and I only see them every few months), she will keep asking me to come home early.
Additionally, whenever we are apart for “long” periods of time (1 day or more), she starts picking fights, arguing about things she normally wouldn’t bring up in person. It feels as if she’s letting out her frustration because I’m not there with her.
If I do anything without her that she might have a remote interest in—such as clothes shopping, running, or eating out—she gets offended and takes it personally. Even if I walk down the street (literally 2 minutes; I live in NYC) to get a soda at the deli, she will come with me, even when I just want 5 minutes of alone time, and she gets offended if I say I want to go by myself.
If I don’t go places with her, she almost never leaves the apartment, whether before the pandemic or during it. It makes me feel like I’m in a prison in my own apartment, unable to have any alone time or do anything with a semblance of freedom. She makes me feel like my life revolves only around her.
Is this normal, or am I just overreacting?
Let’s cut right to the chase here: No, this is not normal. And no, you’re not overreacting.
What you’re describing isn’t a relationship; it’s a hostage situation. Your girlfriend isn’t just clingy – she’s exhibiting controlling and manipulative behavior that’s bordering on emotional abuse.
Let’s break this down:
- Constant communication demands and getting upset when you don’t respond immediately? That’s not love; it’s surveillance.
- Guilt-tripping you for spending time with family or friends? That’s isolation tactics 101.
- Getting offended when you want to do anything alone? That’s not affection; it’s suffocation.
- Picking fights when you’re apart? Classic manipulation to make you dread being away from her.
- Never leaving the apartment without you? That’s not devotion; it’s unhealthy dependence.
You’re not in a prison in your own apartment – you’re in a prison in your own life. And it’s time to stage a jailbreak.
Here’s the thing: Healthy relationships are built on trust, mutual respect, and individual autonomy. What you’re describing is the antithesis of that. Your girlfriend’s behavior suggests deep-seated insecurity and possibly control issues that go way beyond what’s acceptable in a partnership.
You need to have a come-to-Jesus talk with her about boundaries and individual space. Be prepared for pushback – people who exhibit these behaviors often don’t react well when their control is challenged. But stand firm. You have the right to:
- Spend time alone
- Have relationships with friends and family
- Pursue your own interests
- Have uninterrupted time at work and the gym
- Not be in constant communication
If she can’t respect these basic rights, then you need to seriously consider whether this relationship is sustainable or healthy for you.
Remember, love doesn’t demand a merger of identities. It doesn’t require you to sacrifice your autonomy or your other relationships. If that’s what she’s asking of you, then that’s not love – it’s control.
You’ve spent three years accommodating her unreasonable demands. It’s time to reclaim your life. If she’s willing to work on her issues – preferably with a therapist – great. If not, then you need to be prepared to walk away. Because the alternative is spending the rest of your life feeling suffocated and resentful.
You deserve better than that. And deep down, I suspect you know it.