She eats fast food everyday. She won’t eat something unless there is sugar or fat in it. Her gut grows down over her pelvis. She’s 5’9” and she weighs 300 lbs. Our sex is like slapping two slugs together. She is in constant pain because her poor body can’t handle this much weight (feet, back, and concstant headaches).
I’m no fitness model either, I’m 6’5” and I weigh 210. I just want to help my wife without seeming…. I don’t know what the word is. Like an asshole. I know this causes her a lot of sadness and I just want to help my wife be happy.
Man, I can tell you love your wife and want what’s best for her, and that’s important. You’re asking a tough question, and you’re asking it because you don’t want to hurt her, which tells me your heart is in the right place. But when it comes to something as deeply personal as weight, this conversation can easily go sideways if it’s not handled with care, compassion, and a whole lot of understanding.
Here’s the thing: your wife already knows she’s struggling with her weight. She’s living it every single day. She’s feeling the physical pain, the emotional toll, the social pressures. This isn’t news to her. What she doesn’t need is someone telling her how she’s “letting herself go” or pointing out all the ways her body is causing problems. She needs to know that you love her, that you’re in this together, and that you’re ready to support her, not criticize her.
So how do you approach this without coming off as an “asshole,” as you put it? Here are a few steps:
1. Start with Love and Empathy
When you bring this up, lead with love. Tell her how much you care about her and how much you want to see her healthy and happy. Make it clear that this isn’t about her appearance, and it’s definitely not about your satisfaction. It’s about her well-being and the life you want to build together. Something like, “I love you more than anything, and it hurts me to see you in pain. I want us to have a long, healthy life together, and I’m here to support you every step of the way.” That’s where the conversation should start.
2. Acknowledge Your Own Journey
You said it yourself—you’re not a fitness model either. Make this a team effort. Instead of pointing out what she needs to change, talk about what you two can work on together. “I’ve noticed I’m not in the best shape either, and I’ve been thinking we could work on getting healthier together.” This way, it’s not about her weight—it’s about both of you creating healthier habits as a couple.
3. Focus on How She Feels, Not How She Looks
You already mentioned her pain—her back, feet, and constant headaches. Use that as an entry point. Talk about her comfort and quality of life rather than the number on the scale or how she looks. “I can see how much pain you’re in, and I hate that for you. What can we do together to help with that?” This way, you’re focusing on her well-being, not her appearance.
4. Invite Her to Set the Pace
This is crucial. She needs to feel in control of her own journey. If you try to dictate the terms or push her too hard, it’s going to feel like pressure or criticism. Ask her what she needs from you: “How can I support you?” Whether that’s cooking meals together, going for walks, or just being a listening ear, make it clear that you’re on her team, no matter what.
5. Be Ready for Pushback
Even if you say all the right things, she might still feel hurt or defensive. That’s normal. This is a sensitive topic, and it’s going to take time. Be patient. Keep showing up with love, not frustration. Let her know you’re not bringing this up to criticize but because you care deeply about her health and happiness.
6. Don’t Make It About Sex
You mentioned the sex life, and I get it—that’s a part of the relationship too. But this conversation shouldn’t be about how her weight is affecting your physical connection. That’s a separate conversation. Right now, the focus should be on her health and well-being. Leave the talk about intimacy for another time, because if you mix the two, it’s going to make her feel like the weight is the root of all the problems, which isn’t fair to her or to you.
At the end of the day, this is about helping your wife feel loved, supported, and empowered—not shamed. It’s a tough road, but if you keep coming back to the love you have for her and the life you want to build together, you’ll find a way through. Be her partner, her biggest cheerleader, and her support system, and together, you can figure out how to make the changes that will help her live a healthier, happier life.
You’ve got this. Just remember, love first. Always.