How long do I give him to “mourn” (aka stay up drinking and crying and laying in bed all day.) I’m getting up with all the kids, packing lunches, taking to school, missing meetings to get them to Dr appointments.) He did walk away with a really good severance so at least we’re not worried about the financial hit. But I can’t help but feeling like he’s a loser a$$hole for not helping me AT ALL after I’m too dealing with my husband loosing his job and acting like a 4th child.
Hey, I hear you. First off, I want to acknowledge something huge: you’re carrying a ton on your shoulders right now. Full-time job, three kids, managing the household, and on top of that, you’re watching your partner spiral. That’s not just heavy—it’s suffocating. And yeah, it’s really hard when the person you thought you could lean on starts acting like another child instead of a partner.
Now, let’s talk about your husband. Losing a job, especially if it’s tied to his identity and self-worth, can mess a guy up. He’s grieving—there’s no question. But grieving doesn’t mean drinking all night, staying in bed all day, and putting the entire family on your back. That’s not grief; that’s avoidance.
Here’s the thing: You both have a right to grieve. Losing a job affects both of you in different ways. But grief doesn’t get to turn into an excuse for tapping out. He might need some time to process the loss, sure, but that doesn’t mean he gets to disappear from family life. And you need to be clear about this. It’s time to sit him down, not to attack him, but to tell him how his actions (or lack of) are crushing you.
You can say something like, “I get that you’re hurting right now, and I want to support you through this. But I can’t do this alone. I need you back in the game. Our kids need you back in the game. I need to know when you’re going to step up because I can’t keep carrying this on my own.”
Don’t feel guilty for having these feelings. You’re not wrong. But also be aware that people don’t respond well to being called losers, even if it’s just in your head. The real question is: how can you both process this together and get through it as a team, not just as two people dealing with their own struggles separately? It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to demand it. You’re in this together—don’t let him forget that.
And honestly? If he doesn’t start making moves soon, it might be time to have a harder conversation about what it means to show up for your family, especially when things get tough.