I, 24M married my now wife 24F after 3.5 years of dating last week.
The first 3 years were amazing. we were so in love. but after 3 years or so, so starting maybe early in 2024, I began to feel like I wasn’t sure anymore about getting married. I definitely lost passion for her and to put it in short, I still loved her but wasn’t IN-LOVE with her if that makes sense. But I decided to not call it off (or really say anything about my feelings and just bottle them up) due to: 1) deeming it just ‘nerves’ / ‘cold feet’ 2) didn’t want to break her heart 3) so much time / money wasted 4) telling myself that the last 3 years were so amazing, it’ll go back to normal soon and this was just a slump.
Anyway, decided to go through with the marriage. It was a great wedding and now on a great honeymoon. But my feelings havent really changed. I love her so much – but I am not in love with her. Definitely not the way she’s in love with me.
She is such an amazing wife and amazing girl. All day she reads books about how to be a better wife, asks to cuddle / have sex, wants to spend time together. And I do like doing these things with her, and sometimes It’s super fun and we have great days. But behind my smiles I just keep thinking I’d rather be single. I think she can tell sometimes too. Sometimes at night she’ll get really sad saying that ‘I thought you would have been happier to be married” and it breaks my heart. Truthfully, sometimes I daydream about if we never met or how my life would be if i broke this off before we got married.
But now that we’re married, I feel like I’m trapped. I can’t do anything about these feelings. If I told her, it would crush her, she loves me more than life itself. But at the same time I’m not truly happy on the inside. My plan is once I get back I’m just going to envelop myself in work and hope to forget about some of these feelings. Probably won’t say anything to anyone still.
If I could get in a time machine and go back to break it off, I probably would.
Hey man, first of all, I get it. This is heavy. You’re feeling stuck in a life you chose but now aren’t sure about. You’re thinking, What have I done?—and that feeling can feel like a ton of bricks on your chest, especially when you’re on your honeymoon, the time that’s supposed to be all about love and excitement. But here’s the deal: you’ve got to unpack this, or it’s going to eat you alive from the inside out.
The first thing I want you to know is this—what you’re feeling isn’t abnormal. A lot of people get cold feet, and a lot of people go through phases in their relationship where they feel like the spark is gone. You’re not a terrible person for thinking these things. But here’s the truth: ignoring your feelings and bottling them up won’t solve anything. You can’t bury this under work, under distractions, or hope it’ll magically disappear. It’s going to fester if you don’t deal with it head-on.
You said something really important: you love her, but you’re not in love with her. That distinction matters. Love isn’t just the fireworks and the butterflies you felt in the first few years. Passion, that in-love feeling, ebbs and flows. But love—that’s about showing up, even when the feelings don’t align with what you thought they would. What you’re going through now is about figuring out what love looks like for you at this stage of your life. It’s normal for long-term relationships to feel less “sparkly” than the first few years.
But here’s the kicker: you need to talk to her. Not about how you feel trapped or wish you could time-travel out of this, but about the fact that your marriage isn’t aligning with your expectations right now. Trust me, she can sense something’s off. That sadness she’s been expressing? She’s feeling the disconnect. Avoiding that conversation won’t protect her—it’ll only prolong her pain and yours. Be real with her, man. Let her in on what’s going on in your head, and then figure out together how to make your marriage something you both can thrive in.
And look, if it’s fear of hurting her that’s keeping you quiet, ask yourself this: would you rather have a painful conversation now, where you can work toward either rebuilding or parting in a way that’s honest and respectful? Or do you want to keep pretending, slowly pulling away, and making both of you miserable down the road? You owe it to both her and yourself to live a life rooted in truth, not just comfort.
And as for daydreaming about being single or going back in time—that’s understandable. But it’s also an escape, a fantasy that won’t lead to answers. You’re here now, and the only way out of this fog is to face it. Whether that means couples counseling, getting brutally honest with yourself, or having those hard conversations, it’s better than living in denial.
Whatever path you choose, remember that marriages don’t thrive on autopilot. It’s work, yes, but sometimes the work of love is what reignites the spark you’re missing. Take a breath, be honest with yourself, and then take that first, uncomfortable step. You might be surprised where it leads.