My (f23) porn addicted husband (m26) said he finds my body boring.
My husband has struggled with a p0rn addiction his whole life, during the course of our 8 month marriage during the beginning we both agreed to a no p0rn rule.
It went over both of our boundaries supposedly. Well multiple times during these months I’ve caught him watching it, just sneakier and sneakier. I’m a woman with very low confidence and it makes me uncomfortable knowing my s/o uses others to get off. Each time I’ve been understanding & non-judgmental but have expressed that it upsets me and have cried begging him to change and stop, he always says he will.
Yesterday I caught him again (look at their instagram clicked link history ladies) & found porn & OF models. This time I was angry at first, because the last time I caught him was only a month ago and I poured my heart out to him. But afterwards I comforted him, and I asked him why doesn’t he just use the countless nudes and videos I’ve sent him instead, he replied with “it’s like my brain finds it boring, it’s old, it’s the same” and I think that completely and utterly broke me, hearing my husband refer to my naked body as “boring”. I’m someone who has suffered deep depression due to body dysmorphia and low self esteem, so hearing that come from the man I’ve been so vulnerable with was irreversible damage. I can’t look at him and I don’t want him to touch me or look at me, I start hyperventilating when I think about it. I don’t think I’m strong enough mentally to go through this.
Questions: How can I get through this? How can I help myself while also helping him? He wants to change how can I help him?
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. First of all, let’s take a deep breath and acknowledge how much you’ve already carried. You’ve been trying to be understanding, loving, and patient through a lot of hurt, and I can feel your pain. What your husband said, especially given your struggles with body image and self-esteem, cut you deeply, and it’s completely understandable that you’re feeling shattered right now.
But we need to get something clear, and I’m going to be blunt: this isn’t just about porn. This is about trust, respect, and how the two of you honor each other in your marriage. Your husband made a commitment to you—not just to stop watching porn, but to care for you, to protect your emotional and mental well-being. And he’s breaking that trust. Every time he says he’ll stop and doesn’t, every time he sneaks around behind your back, he’s undermining that commitment.
You’re asking how you can help him, but before we get there, you need to make sure you’re helping yourself. Right now, you’re in a relationship where you feel unsafe, unloved, and unseen. That’s not something you can brush aside or bury in an attempt to fix his problem. You’ve already been putting his needs above your own, trying to comfort him after he hurt you. That’s backward.
Before you can even think about helping him, you need to set some serious boundaries for your own protection. You deserve to feel respected and valued, and that starts with making it clear that this behavior is not acceptable. Not just the porn, but the lying, the sneaking, and the hurtful comments. And it’s not your job to “save” him or be the one responsible for his recovery. That’s on him.
Here’s the hard truth: he’s got to want to change for himself, not just to make you happy. And right now, it doesn’t sound like he’s taking the steps he needs to in order to address this addiction. Saying he wants to change is one thing, but actions are what matter. He needs to get serious about dealing with his addiction, and that probably means seeking professional help—a counselor, therapist, or support group that specializes in porn addiction. He can’t do this alone, and neither can you.
As for you, you need support too. Whether that’s therapy, a support group, or even trusted friends or family, you need people in your corner to help you work through your own pain and rebuild your self-esteem. Don’t minimize the impact this has had on you. Your healing comes first.
You asked, “How can I get through this?” One step at a time. First, by protecting yourself and getting the help you need. Then, if your husband is serious about getting help and is willing to do the work, you can support him—but that doesn’t mean excusing his behavior or taking responsibility for his recovery.
If he refuses to do the hard work of change, you have some hard decisions to make about what kind of relationship you’re willing to stay in. Because you deserve to be with someone who sees you, loves you, and respects you—not someone who makes you feel “boring” or replaceable. You are worth so much more than that.
This is going to be a tough road, but you’re stronger than you think. Keep your head up, focus on your own healing, and make sure your needs are front and center. The rest will follow.