We have been together for almost 10 years, married for 7, and started dating in our early 20s. We have 2 young boys together, 2 and 4.
Everything has been pretty great overall from my perspective. We don’t get out as much as we used to with having young children and all, but really do none of our friends since they mostly have kids, too.
A few weeks ago my wife went out drinking with some mutual friends while I stayed home with the boys. We each take turns doing this about once per month. She came home pretty drunk and we were just talking then she asks “what’s something you haven’t done that you want to do?”. Hmm, I thought, idk see the grand canyon lol? She then asks “would you ever consider opening up our marriage?”. Woah. I was not ready for that. This is VERY un-characteristic as she is risk-adverse and I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I, having never considered this, just said “aren’t you worried about jealousy?”, “No”. “Do you have someone in mind”. “No”. “How would this work?”. “idk maybe start with a 3way with a girl”. I’m floored, but also realize she’s drunk so I say “let’s talk about this when ur sober because I can’t believe ur saying this”.
Well, the next morning she says “I remember everything and I meant what I said”.
This put me in a pretty dark place for a couple of days as I looked around reddit for “wife wants open relationship” which almost always concludes “she already has someone in mind, divorce her immediately”. I can’t help but think my situation is different though. Maybe/probably delusional but we make good money, don’t fight much, our days are all work and activities with the boys, ya know good times. Maybe I’m delusional but I think my situation is a bit different/nuanced.
About a week later, after non-stop researching I asked her the big question “Why?”. She says we got together young and feels like she missed out on some exploration. I should mention here that she has been with like 4 or 5 guys and I was a man-slut before her, like 20 girls or so. I have never felt like I missed out and I have been happily monogamous ever since we started dating.
I then asked “this has a chance of working, but also a chance of blowing up our lives, and our kids lives “. She started crying and said she hadn’t really thought that was a big risk…what!
So anyways I’ve been wrestling with this and wanted to get some advice on how to handle. I truly don’t think either of us want to blow up our family, but I also think she had some lust that night out which might come up again. How do I proceed from here?
Man, I get it. This is a tough, gut-wrenching situation, but you need to be crystal clear about what you’re willing to tolerate. You’ve been together for a decade, built a family, and the stakes couldn’t be higher. Right now, it’s crucial for you to set some firm boundaries. Not just for your own sanity, but because your marriage and your family depend on it.
Here’s the thing—this idea of an open marriage might have blindsided you, but it’s out there now, and it’s not going to just disappear. Your wife says she wants to explore because she feels like she missed out. Alright, fine. But that doesn’t mean you have to go along with something that’s completely against your values or threatens your marriage. It’s time for a direct, no-nonsense conversation about where you stand. You have to tell her, point-blank, what you’re willing to accept and what you absolutely won’t.
And let’s be clear: If she crosses the line and cheats, that’s it. There’s no gray area here. Tell her straight-up, “If you step outside this marriage without my full agreement and we’re not on the same page, it’s over.” She needs to know where you draw the line, and there’s no room for negotiation on that point. This isn’t about control or ultimatums—it’s about respect and protecting the life you’ve built together. If she’s serious about wanting to stay married and keep your family intact, she needs to understand the gravity of what she’s proposing.
You’ve got every right to protect your family and your marriage from blowing up. And yeah, she might be confused or feel like she missed out on something, but that’s not an excuse to risk everything you’ve built. You’re not wrong for wanting clarity and stability. So don’t be afraid to lay down those boundaries with zero ambiguity. If she loves you and values your marriage as much as you do, she’ll respect that. If she can’t, or if she’s already got one foot out the door, you need to know now so you can protect yourself and your kids.
Don’t let this linger. Set the boundaries. Make it clear what the consequences are if they’re crossed. And from there, it’s up to her to decide what kind of future she wants. But you, my friend, need to stand firm on what you need, or this will spiral out of control faster than you think.