I’ve been with my husband for almost 15 years married 11 of them and we have two young boys together.
The reasons for stepping outside of my marriage has nothing to do with my husband and it has nothing to do with the way I feel about him. I cheated for my own selfish reasons that I deeply regret every single everyday.
Some point after I turned 30 I felt bored with my life kinda sad that I spent my 20s either in a committed relationship or raising two kids. ending up as just another stay at home mom also kinda bugged me. Instead of bringing this up with my husband I instead looked for the excitement outside of my marriage.
I don’t think the details are that important just that he was an acquaintance in town that we’d known for a couple of years, it lasted for around 7 months but got physical for the last 4. My husband found out when he got suspicious of my behaviour although at the point he found out it had been over for a couple of weeks.
For the next month or so lots of arguments occurred, apologies on my part, not sleeping in the same bed, threats of divorce, telling me it was over, etc.
After it boiled down we sat down to talk it through and come to the conclusion this wasn’t enough to tear us apart, that we’d get through it and a time would come where it’d seem like a distant memory. I suggested marriage consoling but he refused at every turn stating “I don’t want anyone knowing my business I don’t care if it’s a stranger or not”
Fast for 2 years to now and our relationship feels completely different compared to before my affair. Our sex live took awhile to get going again after the affair but it’s never been the same, it never feels passionate or as loving as it used to, He’s completely stopped all forms of pda which even friends of ours have commented on, little moments like cuddling on the sofa tends to happen only occasionally now and it’s never for too long before he’ll move away, he puts off date night as much as possible, when sleeping in bed he’s almost always got his back turned to me, and just in general his whole aura has changed. I don’t feel like he’s cold towards me just that there’s something missing.
One of the things that’s been bugging me this whole year is back in January he had a endoscopy performed as he was having very bad stomach pains, which is very worrying because his dad died at 30 of bowel cancer and stomach cancer runs in his family. I didn’t even find out all this until days later which has bugged me like crazy. Thankfully he had ulcers and he’s being treated for it. The fact that I know he’s terrified anytime he gets stomach pains and panics anytime he’s in a hospital, but decided to go through it all on his own really hurts me. He didn’t even tell me he had stomach pains in the week leading up to him decided to get checked out which shows me I’ve lost something major inside of him.
No one in our personal life’s knows any of this so I have no one to seek advice from, I’m not sure what kinda advice I’m seeking so anything is much appreciated. Thank you.
Thank you for being brave enough to share this, even when you’re not sure what kind of advice you’re looking for. I can hear the weight of regret and pain you’re carrying, and it’s clear you’re deeply aware of how this situation is affecting both you and your husband. What you’re experiencing right now isn’t just about the affair anymore—it’s about the ripple effects it created in your marriage, in how you both see each other, and in how you connect (or don’t) on a day-to-day basis.
Let’s talk about the core issue here: trust. You may have both agreed that the affair wasn’t enough to tear you apart, but in a lot of ways, it has—not through divorce or separation, but through the slow erosion of connection and intimacy. Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship, and when it’s shattered, it doesn’t just snap back into place. The reality is, your husband is likely still carrying that hurt, that sense of betrayal, even two years later. And that’s why things feel different. Because they are different.
He’s not the same man he was before the affair, and it sounds like you’re not the same woman, either. He might not even fully realize it, but the withdrawal from physical affection, from deep emotional connection, is a response to that broken trust. The fact that he didn’t share something as serious as his health scare with you? That’s a symptom of deeper, unresolved wounds. Somewhere inside him, a part of him decided that he couldn’t trust you with his vulnerabilities anymore.
And let me be clear about this: that doesn’t mean you’re untrustworthy now, or that you’re not worthy of knowing what’s going on in his life. But from his perspective—consciously or not—he’s protecting himself. He’s creating emotional distance because the person he once turned to, the one who was supposed to be his partner through the worst of it, let him down when he needed that security the most.
Now, let’s address something else: this idea of “moving on.” When you both decided to stay together after the affair, that was a choice to keep the marriage intact, but the hard work didn’t end there. Moving on doesn’t just mean agreeing to push it behind you; it means actively rebuilding the trust, the intimacy, and the partnership that was broken. And if your husband has refused counseling, that’s a huge roadblock in the healing process. Counseling isn’t just about sharing business with a stranger—it’s about creating a structured, safe space for both of you to say the things that are too hard to say in a normal conversation. It’s about figuring out how to move forward, together.
It sounds like your husband is stuck. He’s trying to live in the marriage, but he’s not really letting himself be in it. He’s guarding himself, probably without even realizing it. And you’re living with this constant sense that something is missing—because it is. The emotional bridge between you two isn’t fully built back yet, and no amount of pushing forward or hoping it’ll get better on its own is going to fix that.
So what can you do? First, let’s acknowledge that you’re both grieving in different ways. You’re grieving the loss of the marriage you had before the affair, and he’s grieving the loss of the safety and security he once felt with you. The fact that you recognize the pain of his withdrawal, the fact that you want to get closer again, is a huge starting point. But it’s not something you can fix on your own.
You have to have a direct, hard conversation with your husband about where things really stand. Not just, “Why don’t you cuddle with me anymore?” but “What are you still carrying from the affair? What pain are you holding onto that you haven’t told me about? How can I help rebuild the trust we lost?” You need to talk about why he’s still holding back and how that’s affecting both of you. It won’t be easy, and it may not be pretty, but it’s the only way to move forward.
And on his refusal to go to counseling? You can’t force him to go, but you can express that this marriage won’t heal on its own. If he’s not comfortable with a therapist, maybe there’s another trusted resource or process that works for both of you—something that helps you rebuild without the stigma he’s feeling around traditional therapy.
The bottom line is this: your relationship doesn’t have to stay stuck in this limbo. But moving forward will take more than just time—it will take vulnerability, patience, and a real commitment to do the hard work together. The trust can be rebuilt, but it can’t happen if you’re both dancing around the real issues, hoping they’ll resolve on their own. And if you continue to feel isolated and like he’s shutting you out of important parts of his life, that’s a red flag that the healing process isn’t happening the way it needs to.
Be honest. Be direct. And be willing to listen to what he’s still holding onto—because that’s the key to finding your way back to each other.