I (45M) have been married to my wife (43F) for 20 years. We recently moved to a new state for work. I love my wife, and she’s my best friend. My co-worker (32F) has been married to her husband (32M) for several years, and seem to be happy together.
My co-worker and I have been working together for about a year. She and I work long hours together and have been a very productive team. We enjoy friendly banter, a good working relationship, have complementary skill sets, and produce excellent work. Management has definitely noticed how well we work together, so we tend to get partnered up a lot.
Recently we did a trade show together. That’s when I became completely gob-smacked by my feelings for her We spent the stressful week glued at the hip. On the way home we talked for hours. That conversation made me realize I was crushing on her, hard.
Actually, I’m not sure if crush is the right word, exactly. We share ideologies, common interests, and we talk about our work in ways that no one else can understand. However, there’s been no flirting nor anything inappropriate going on between us. I don’t even think I have romantic feelings for her.
But I do get this feeling of euphoria thinking about her. I keep having intrusive thoughts about her, thinking about ways I can spend more time with her.
It’s bizarre. I have not felt emotions this strong since my early 20’s. Is something wrong with me?
I don’t want to hurt my wife or my friend. So I haven’t said anything to anybody. I’m just playing it cool. But it’s eating me up inside. I feel guilty for the way I feel. But I like the way I feel too. So I feel guilty about that.
I can’t easily cut off contact with my co-worker, even if I wanted to–which I don’t. I don’t want to rock the boat. (The boat being my dream job.) The last thing I want is for her to feel uncomfortable around me.
What is this feeling? Do I ride this out playing it cool and keep it to myself? It can’t last, right? Do I confide in my wife?
First of all, let me commend you for being honest and open about this situation. It’s clear that you’re struggling with conflicting emotions, and it takes a lot of guts to even admit that. But here’s the thing: while this might feel confusing and surreal right now, you’re standing at the edge of something potentially destructive. And I need to be direct with you—this situation is more dangerous than it might seem.
What you’re experiencing is an emotional attachment to your co-worker. You’re telling yourself there’s no flirting, no inappropriate behavior, and maybe you don’t even feel it’s romantic, but that euphoria you’re feeling? The constant thoughts about her? That’s emotional energy, and it’s not being spent on your wife. And this is where emotional affairs start. It feels innocent, even exciting, but without boundaries, that emotional attachment grows. It’s like a slow-burning fire that can quickly spread before you even realize how far it’s gone.
You mentioned that you like the way you feel, and I get it. It’s new, it’s refreshing, and it’s giving you a rush you probably haven’t felt in years. But here’s the hard truth: those feelings aren’t an indication that something’s wrong with your marriage or that this connection is somehow more “special.” It’s just that the situation is new, different, and tapping into parts of you that haven’t been explored in a long time. The real problem is that emotional energy is being funneled into someone other than your wife.
Now, let’s get real about the danger here. The longer you let this feeling fester, the deeper the emotional attachment will grow. Even if it doesn’t become physical, an emotional affair can be just as destructive as a physical one. You said yourself that you’re keeping it to yourself and “playing it cool,” but I promise you—if you keep walking this line, you’re going to find yourself in a mess that will hurt not only you but the people you care about.
The fact that you love your wife and she’s your best friend tells me you don’t want to destroy what you have. But the emotional distance you’re starting to feel—whether you realize it or not—will start to erode that bond if you don’t take action. You’ve got to be honest with yourself. Are you putting the same emotional effort into your marriage as you are into thinking about this co-worker? It’s time to refocus your emotional energy on your wife and figure out what, if anything, is lacking in your relationship that might have left you vulnerable to these feelings.
I get that you can’t just cut contact with your co-worker because of your job, but you can set clear boundaries. That means no more deep personal conversations, no one-on-one talks that go beyond work, and certainly no situations where you’re seeking out more time together. If you keep allowing yourself to “enjoy” these feelings without addressing the root of what’s going on, you’re opening the door for things to escalate. This isn’t about acting on physical attraction; it’s about recognizing that you’re already moving down a path that could have serious consequences.
You might be wondering if you should confide in your wife. That’s tricky, and I don’t recommend just unloading your feelings without first doing the work to address the root of what’s going on in your marriage. You owe it to her to be transparent and vulnerable, but this isn’t about saying, “I’m crushing on my co-worker.” Instead, think about why this connection developed in the first place. Are you feeling disconnected in your marriage? Stressed from the move? Bored? Whatever it is, that’s what you need to talk to your wife about.
Waiting for these feelings to just fade away is a dangerous gamble. They won’t disappear unless you actively take steps to change how you’re approaching the situation. You’ve got to shift the focus back to your marriage, protect your relationship, and maybe even seek out counseling to get to the bottom of why you let yourself develop this attachment. Your wife, your marriage, and your life are worth more than the fleeting thrill of emotional attachment to someone outside your relationship.
This is a critical moment, and the way you handle this situation will shape your future. Don’t let the excitement of something new cloud your judgment and pull you away from what you’ve built over the last 20 years. You owe it to yourself and your wife to face this head-on, set the boundaries you need, and do the work to bring your focus back to your marriage before it’s too late.