I 31M found out that my wife 29F cheated on me 5 years ago. At the time we had a daughter 2 years old and had been married for 3 years. There is a lot of background to the story, but I will try to keep it short.
Around the time the cheating started, I had just lost my best friend, my grandad to cancer and I was pretty much in a deep depression from that loss. I became very silent and not at all my normal extrovert self. But, when it came to my family I was as present as I could be, but still it wasn’t good enough.
Being in the military, we move around so often and meet other couples with kids that pretty much become family. One couple in particular, my wife became best friends with, which I had no issues with. Our daughters had play dates all the time and even went to the same school. The husband of the other couple was known for cheating on his wife constantly and each time his wife would come over to our place and we’d comfort her. I never thought that I’d fall victim to this due the constant recurrence both my wife and I had witnessed.
Since I was in a depressive state, my wife reached out to that husband for what she says was “a males perspective” of what I was going through. Instead of just supporting me through our vows “for better or for worse”. As I said earlier, I’m military, so my life is very routine. Work, gym, family time and repeat. I never had any idea that she was cheating, we were even trying to conceive during this time. We eventually did with a son and I thought it was the best thing ever. Two healthy kids, what more could I ask for.
A year goes by and I have to take a remote tour for a year, I left before my son’s first birthday. I say my goodbyes and stay in contact as much as possible. Keep in mind that I am oblivious to her cheating which happened over 5-6 months before she became pregnant with my son. Also, she would go and get “perspective” after work before picking up our daughter from school, while I was at the gym. While I’m on my tour, she decides to tell me what she did. And it was only because one of my best friends (another couple that became family) found out about the affair and gave her an ultimatum.
I decided to stay initially because of the kids and being in the military the odds of me being close if I decided to leave go way down. Eventually I decided that I could power through and repair the marriage. It’s been 3 years since I got the most devastating info and I swear it feels like it happened yesterday. I don’t look at her the same, I struggle when it comes to intimacy because it just doesn’t feel the same and there’s barely any emotion, and my trust in her is almost nonexistent. I’m happy and miserable at the same time. Happy because of the time I have with the kids, but miserable in the relationship. I’m really at a crossroads to continue to be miserable in my marriage or leave and risk losing my kids. Idk how much longer I can take it.
Alright, let’s lay this out. First off, I want to acknowledge that you’ve been carrying around a massive weight. You’ve been trying to keep it all together for the sake of your family while grappling with one of the deepest betrayals a person can experience. The fact that you’re still standing is a testament to your strength, but let’s not sugarcoat it: this situation is brutal, and it’s taking a real toll on you.
Now, let’s get something straight. She didn’t come clean out of guilt or because she wanted to make things right. She told you because she had to. If your friend hadn’t forced her hand with that ultimatum, you’d still be in the dark, thinking your life was fine, thinking your marriage was solid. That wasn’t honesty—that was survival mode for her. She only confessed when there was no other option. That right there is something you cannot overlook.
And, man, the timeline of this? It’s even worse. You were going through one of the hardest times of your life—dealing with the loss of your grandad and falling into depression—and instead of being there for you, like she vowed to do in your wedding vows, she turned to another guy. And not just any guy, but one you both knew was a serial cheater. She didn’t lean into the marriage when things got tough—she stepped out. That’s not just a mistake, that’s betrayal on a deeper level because she left you when you needed her the most.
Now, I hate to even bring this up, but you’ve got to consider the possibility that this affair might not be the whole story. Given that the cheating happened right before she got pregnant with your son, you have to get a DNA test. I know that’s going to be a gut punch, but it’s better to get the truth out now than live with a cloud of uncertainty hanging over your head. It’s not just about the affair anymore—it’s about knowing where you stand with your family, your kids, and your future.
Let’s also be real about the state of your marriage. You’ve been trying to power through this for three years, and it still feels like it happened yesterday. You’re stuck in a place where you’re happy when you’re with your kids, but you’re miserable in the relationship. You’re going through the motions of being a husband, but it sounds like you’ve already emotionally checked out. And that’s understandable, man. She broke your trust in the worst way, and it’s nearly impossible to feel safe or loved when you know what she did behind your back.
You’ve got a tough decision to make here, but let me say this: staying just for the kids isn’t a long-term solution. Your kids are smart, and they’ll pick up on the tension, the lack of connection, and the unhappiness, even if you try to shield them from it. You deserve more than just “getting by.” You deserve to be in a relationship where you feel loved, trusted, and valued. And your kids deserve to see what a healthy, thriving relationship looks like, even if that means separating.
But before you make any decisions, I highly recommend getting into therapy—both for yourself and as a couple if you’re still open to working through this. You need a space to process your emotions and figure out what you want. Can the trust be rebuilt? Can you move past this? Or is the damage too deep to repair? These are questions you’ll need to answer for yourself, but you don’t have to do it alone.
Here’s the bottom line: You’ve got to take care of yourself first. You can’t keep carrying the weight of this betrayal while also trying to be the best dad and husband. If you stay, it has to be because there’s a real path to healing, not just because you’re afraid of losing your kids. If you leave, it’s not a failure—it’s a choice to prioritize your mental and emotional health.
And whatever you decide, get that DNA test. You deserve to know the full truth before you make any more decisions about your future.