Next month marks four years for me (28F) and my boyfriend (30M). We live together with our two dogs, and early on, we both agreed that marriage and kids were in our future. About a year ago, I asked him when he thought we’d get married, and he mentioned he always imagined dating someone for 5-6 years before tying the knot. That worked for me, as I wanted to be married before 30.
Now, as our anniversary approaches, I’m starting to feel like we’re not moving in that direction. When I brought it up, he admitted he feels emotionally inadequate, worried he can’t meet my needs for affection. He said the differences in our emotional needs are draining for him, even when we’re not actively addressing them. He also expressed concerns about being a people-pleaser and how our differences could chip away at him over time.
He mentioned that while he loves our dogs, he doesn’t want more, but knows how important they are to me and doesn’t want to take that away from me. Another issue he raised was our future living situation—my family is across the country, while his is nearby, though his parents plan to move in a few years. He’s not sure where he wants to live long-term, which adds more uncertainty.
On top of that, he said he doesn’t feel ready for marriage because he’s not where he wants to be financially or in his career, and that his life at 30 doesn’t look like what he envisioned.
I asked if he sees us heading toward marriage and kids, and he said he’s not sure. I told him I need him to figure that out soon because I love him and would marry him today. I don’t believe there’s ever a “perfect” time, and having a partner should help you grow, not hold you back.
I love him and want to spend my life with him, but now I’m questioning where to go from here. Should I wait for him to decide if he sees a future with me? If so, how long? Should he already know? Any advice would be appreciated.
Here’s the hard truth: everything you’ve told me screams, “If it weren’t for the dogs and if I weren’t such a people pleaser, I’d break up with you.”
Your boyfriend is being upfront about feeling emotionally inadequate, drained, unsure about marriage, unsure about kids, unsure about where to live, and not where he wants to be in life. That’s a lot of uncertainty. And when someone’s throwing this much hesitation your way, they’re essentially telling you, “I don’t know if I’m in this for the long haul.”
Listen, I know you love him, and I know you want this to work out. But love isn’t enough when one person is waffling about commitment. If he’s not sure he’s ready, or if he’s overwhelmed by the differences between you two, that’s a huge red flag. You deserve someone who’s all in, not someone who’s constantly second-guessing whether they can meet your needs or their own.
The people-pleasing and the dogs? Those are just surface excuses to avoid facing the real issue: he’s not ready, and maybe he’ll never be. You’ve already told him you’re ready for marriage and commitment, but he’s stuck in a place of doubt. That’s not going to change unless he wants it to—and right now, it doesn’t sound like he’s there.
So ask yourself this: how long are you willing to wait for him to figure it out? You’ve been clear about what you want. Now it’s time to make sure you’re not waiting around for someone who’s just too afraid to end things.
You deserve clarity, and you deserve a partner who’s ready to move forward with you. If he can’t give you that, it’s time to seriously consider what’s best for you.