I’ve been with my boyfriend for 8 years now and my parents do not approve of him. I am East Asian and he is South Asian. We both grew up in Canada, and so while there are some cultural differences, our interests, experiences, & childhood are pretty much the same.
But my parents refuse to approve of him. And it sucks because my relationship with my parents has improved the past two years, but just not about this. My mom instantly gets mad when I bring him up and storms out. They both don’t want to meet him either. They don’t like that he doesn’t have a high paying job (he does trades) that they can brag about to their friends.
My mom asks me how I would feel if our kids were a darker skin colour. I tell her that she has East Asian friends whose kids married people from South Asian backgrounds and have mixed kids, but my mom says it’s okay because the husbands make so much more money and it’s the husband’s job to make more money to support the family.
I don’t think I can tell my boyfriend this. He still hasn’t met my parents because they don’t want to meet him.
And we are both 25 years old, but have been together for so long that he is thinking of marriage and proposing and I don’t know how to tell him my parents still don’t approve of him. Of course we wouldn’t get married until we’re both financially able to, and I understand that finances are a valid concern for parents. But they are basically upset he’s not East Asian too and they say racist things and I love my parents but I wish they could just meet him and see how great & kind he is. He is also pretty handsome which I tell them but they still say racist things after.
His heart is the most important thing to me and he has a wonderful heart and I wish my parents could see that. But I don’t want to upset him or my parents. This situation just breaks my heart and I don’t want to hurt him by telling him this or make my parents mad & disappointed/feel embarrassed.
This situation is tearing you in two directions, and I don’t blame you for feeling heartbroken. You love your boyfriend, and you love your parents. And when the people you love the most are pulling you apart, it can feel like you’re being asked to choose—between your relationship with him and your relationship with them. That’s a brutal place to be.
Here’s the thing: your parents’ approval, while it feels like an essential part of your life, doesn’t define your future, your happiness, or your worth. I get it—East Asian families often have a deep sense of respect for parents and their wishes, but at some point, you have to take ownership of your life, your relationships, and the choices you make. You’re not asking them to love your boyfriend’s career or his background—you’re asking them to see the person you see. But here’s the hard truth: you can’t control their feelings, especially when those feelings are rooted in cultural expectations or racist stereotypes.
What your mom said about your future kids’ skin color and your boyfriend’s income—that’s heavy stuff, and it’s wrong on so many levels. You can acknowledge that your parents’ concerns about finances might come from a place of wanting security for you, but when they mix that with racist comments, it crosses a line. And you shouldn’t have to carry that on your own.
Now, let’s talk about your boyfriend. You say you don’t know how to tell him, but if you’re thinking about marriage, you have to be honest with him about what’s going on. Marriage isn’t just about love—it’s about two people building a life together with full transparency. He deserves to know what’s happening, and he needs to understand the dynamics at play with your family. If he doesn’t know, you’re shielding him from the reality of the situation, and that will only lead to more pain and resentment down the road. You can’t make a lifelong decision with someone while hiding parts of the story.
Here’s what I’d suggest: sit down with your boyfriend and tell him the truth. Let him know how much you love him, how proud you are of him, and explain your parents’ feelings and the complexity of the situation. Yes, it will be hard. Yes, it will be uncomfortable. But real relationships are built on these hard conversations. He’ll need to understand that it’s not just a “mom’s angry” situation—it’s a deep cultural divide that may take years to bridge, if ever. And after you’ve shared that with him, the two of you can decide together how to move forward. You’re a team, and navigating this as a team is the only way you’ll get through it without tearing each other apart.
As for your parents—this is your life, not theirs. You can love them, respect them, and still set boundaries about what’s okay and what’s not. Their approval might feel like the highest mountain to climb, but it’s not your mountain. It’s theirs. If they choose to keep holding on to prejudice and expectations that don’t match your reality, that’s their burden to carry. Your job is to decide what kind of life you want and who you want in it—and to live that life with integrity and love.
You’ve been together for eight years. You’re young, but this relationship is real, and it deserves to be treated with the respect and honesty that long-term commitment requires. You can’t control your parents’ reaction, but you can control how you navigate this—with courage, transparency, and a lot of love.