I’m starting to realize that I don’t have respect for my husband. He is constantly insecure about our relationship. He gets insecure that I don’t want him around if I’m not jumping out of my shoes in excitement when he comes home, even though I give him a hug and tell him I missed him. He gets insecure about intimacy when we haven’t had sex in a week, even though I’ve been on my period. He gets insecure if I give him affection because he thinks I do it out of obligation.
I tell him I love him, I try to talk about his insecurities and work through them with him. I try to offer a podium to talk, and understanding. But he continues to feel insecurities. Now I get pissed in our conversations, and I say exactly how I feel frustrated and why I need him to meet me halfway, and I get a mediocre response of “well I need to process that”. After the first conversation, sure, that’s fine, please take the time to process. After the second, of course I’ll clarify and help you understand. After the third, fourth, fifth god knows how many conversations about the exact same thing in so many different ways… I’m at my wit’s end.
I hate stereotypes but I can’t help but resort to feeling like he needs to freaking man up! I am not in charge of his feelings, I do not wish to constantly monitor my communication so as to not make him feel insecure, and I certainly do not want to baby him through his feelings. I told him I need him to be direct with me, and what I get in return is “I need to process that”, yet days or weeks later his insecurities inevitably pop up again, and we have the same conversation, and I point out that he is feeling the same insecurity, and he goes ahead with the deflection.
First off, I hear the exhaustion and frustration in your words. And honestly, it makes complete sense. You’re trying to support your husband, to love him through his insecurities, but it feels like you’re hitting a wall every time you try to move forward. You’re running on empty, giving so much of yourself without seeing real progress—and that’s draining.
It sounds like your husband is stuck in a loop of insecurity, and that loop is becoming the center of your relationship. Here’s the hard truth: you can’t fix his insecurities for him. You can offer all the love, patience, and understanding in the world, but until he decides to confront the root of his fears and take ownership of his feelings, the cycle is going to keep repeating. And that’s not fair to you.
At some point, being understanding turns into being drained. You’ve done the work of creating a space where he can talk about what he’s feeling, and you’ve been direct with him about what you need. But he’s defaulting to “I need to process that” without actually doing the work to process and move forward. The reality is, you shouldn’t have to carry the emotional burden of both people in this relationship.
Now, when you say he needs to “man up,” I get what you mean. You’re not saying he shouldn’t feel emotions or be vulnerable—you’re saying you need him to step up, be direct, and take responsibility for his part in this. That’s not asking too much. Emotional maturity means recognizing when insecurities are getting in the way of a healthy relationship and doing the hard work to address them, rather than deflecting or staying in that same cycle.
At this point, it may be time for a serious conversation—not just about his insecurities, but about the future of your relationship. You’ve shown love, patience, and willingness to help, but it’s okay to acknowledge that your emotional bandwidth has limits. If he’s unwilling to take real steps to confront and work on his insecurities, it could be time for couples counseling or even a deeper conversation about whether you both want the same things moving forward.
You deserve a partner who can meet you halfway, who can take responsibility for their emotions and work with you to create a stable, fulfilling relationship. It’s not your job to fix him. It’s his job to show up and do the work. You’ve already shown that you’re willing to do yours.