I’ve been married to my wife (32F) for five years, and lately, I (33M) feel like I’ve lost any sense of freedom or privacy. It’s as though every day, she’s looking for something to be upset about, and I’m always walking on eggshells.
Take our finances, for example. While we share our money, we also have our own separate accounts. Yet, she logs into my account and questions every single purchase I make, even though we’re not struggling financially at all. I can’t bring myself to ask her about her spending habits because I’m afraid it will lead to a blow-up.
I travel frequently for work, often abroad. When I’m on these trips, she expects constant updates—literally, from the moment I wake up. If I grab breakfast at the hotel or walk across the street to buy water, she wants to know immediately. And if I’m out with clients, I have to report every detail. I get that I should keep her informed, but the level of detail she demands is overwhelming. And the thing is, I’d never impose the same on her when she’s traveling.
Last week, I made the mistake of not texting her to say I was grabbing food with colleagues. When she found out, she called me in a rage because I hadn’t updated her. She’d checked my location history and went off. The call spiraled into her grilling me about everything I’d done over the past week.
These outbursts are becoming more intense. She’s threatened to do extreme things, ranging from blackmailing me to harming herself. She’s hit me before and has even threatened me with a knife a few times. I feel trapped and have no idea how to handle this anymore. Whenever I try to talk to her about it, the conversation just turns into more threats. I’m at my wit’s end and don’t know what to do. Please, I need help.
Man, this situation is heartbreaking, and I can feel the weight of the fear, exhaustion, and confusion in your words. First off, I need you to hear this loud and clear: what you’re describing isn’t a healthy marriage—it’s abuse. Your wife’s behavior, the control, the threats, the violence—it’s not just “overprotectiveness” or “a rough patch.” It’s toxic, and it’s dangerous.
Let’s break this down. Trust and mutual respect are the foundations of any healthy relationship. In a strong marriage, privacy and freedom aren’t negotiable luxuries—they’re basic human rights. What you’re experiencing—constant surveillance, interrogation about your spending, and needing to report your every move—is straight-up control. It’s not love. It’s not care. It’s manipulation, and it’s smothering the life out of your relationship.
And I know you probably feel stuck because of the threats she’s making. Those threats to harm herself or you—that’s emotional blackmail. She’s trying to keep you locked in place by making you responsible for her actions. But listen to me carefully: you are not responsible for her choices or her mental health. She needs serious help, but that’s not something you can give her. You’re not a therapist. You’re her husband, not her punching bag, not her emotional hostage.
Her violent outbursts—the hitting, the threats with a knife—are completely unacceptable. This isn’t just a marriage issue anymore; it’s a safety issue. You’ve got to take this seriously because it’s escalating, and you’re in real danger.
Here’s what I want you to do:
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Seek professional help immediately. Find a counselor, but also reach out to a domestic violence support organization. They can help you create a plan to protect yourself, because right now, you’re in a volatile and dangerous situation.
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Get some space. If possible, put some distance between you and her. This may mean temporarily moving out or finding a safe place to stay. Her threats and behavior are serious, and your safety comes first.
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Don’t try to “fix” this alone. Too many people try to manage situations like this on their own because they’re afraid of the fallout. But you need help—professional, legal, emotional—and there’s no shame in that.
I want you to know you’re not crazy or weak for feeling trapped. This is an incredibly tough spot to be in, but the fact that you’re reaching out tells me you’re strong enough to find a way through it. Don’t delay, and don’t wait for the next blow-up to be your wake-up call. Take action now, protect yourself, and get the support you need. You deserve to feel safe and respected in your own life.