My husband struggles to manage his emotions when work and life overwhelm him, which wouldn’t be so bad if it didn’t affect our household. When he gets to a breaking point, he starts hurling accusations and objects—not at me, but it’s still scary.
He’s broken phones, cracked furniture, and punched holes in the walls. It used to terrify me, now it just frustrates me. It frightens our dog, who always hides next to me, and we have a 7-month-old daughter. I don’t want her to ever see him like this. I’m not worried about our physical safety, but the emotional toll is heavy.
We went to counseling for a year and a half, which helped, but he still bottles everything up until it explodes. It feels sudden to me, even though it builds for him. I’ve changed how I ask for help and try not to ask unless absolutely necessary.
The main issue is I do all the housework, and he says I don’t spend enough time with him. I’m stuck—I can’t win either way. I love him, but I’m exhausted. I can’t do everything.
Let’s get real here: what your husband is doing is abusive. I know that’s hard to hear, but it’s the truth. Even if he’s not physically hurting you, creating fear by throwing things, breaking stuff, and slamming doors is emotional abuse. Abuse isn’t just about hitting someone. It’s about controlling, intimidating, and scaring the people around you. And that’s exactly what’s happening in your home.
You shouldn’t be tiptoeing around your husband’s emotions or changing how you ask for help just to keep him from exploding. That’s not a partnership—it’s a hostage situation, where you’re constantly managing his moods to avoid conflict. That’s not love, and that’s not what a healthy relationship looks like.
Here’s the hard part: you’ve been letting this happen. By trying to keep the peace, you’ve been enabling his outbursts. Every time he breaks something or yells and you don’t address it, you’re sending the message that this behavior is tolerable. But it’s not. It’s not okay for you, and it’s definitely not okay for your daughter.
Speaking of your daughter—she may not understand everything now, but trust me, she’s absorbing it. Kids pick up on the chaos, the fear, and the tension. And as she grows up, this is what she’ll learn about how people handle stress or anger. She’ll start to think this is what relationships look like. That’s not the legacy you want to leave her.
I know you love him, and I get it—you’ve put in the work. You’ve gone to counseling, tried to adjust your behavior, and done everything you can to keep the household peaceful. But at the end of the day, love isn’t a free pass for abuse. He needs to get back into counseling and take responsibility for his actions, or you need to consider how much longer you can stay in this situation without sacrificing your emotional and mental well-being.
Here’s what you need to do: Set hard, non-negotiable boundaries. He needs to know that his outbursts are not just unacceptable, they’re abusive. Tell him he needs to take immediate steps—whether it’s counseling, anger management, or another form of help. And if he refuses or continues with this behavior, you have every right to protect yourself and your daughter by removing yourselves from this environment.
You can’t fix him, and it’s not your job to do so. It’s his responsibility to grow up, manage his emotions like an adult, and stop creating a toxic environment. And if he can’t—or won’t—then you have some serious decisions to make. Abuse, even when it’s not physical, is still abuse. And you deserve better than that.