Over the last few months my girlfriend and I have had a few fights over how I talk to her. I didn’t recognize it at first but the more I become aware the more I see it.
It seems like anytime there’s any issues or any amount of tension, no matter how little, between us I just blow up and scream at her.
I don’t mean to do it that’s just how I always talked to my parents growing up as they would constantly scream at me.
I guess it was just how we communicated back then but I’ve been away from my family for months now so I thought that’d stop.
It’s really causing a strain on our relationship and I don’t know how to beat the habit. Has anyone else had issues like this at all or know of a way to stop?
First off, I want to say it’s a big deal that you’re recognizing this pattern of behavior. That’s the first, and often hardest, step toward changing it. You’re not alone here—so many of us fall into behaviors we picked up as kids without even realizing it, especially when things get tense.
Here’s the truth: Just because something was “normal” growing up doesn’t mean it’s healthy or okay in your adult relationships. It sounds like you grew up in a home where yelling was the default communication tool, and that’s been wired into how you respond when things get tough. But now you’re seeing that it’s not working—it’s hurting your relationship and, ultimately, it’s hurting you too.
The good news is that you can stop this cycle. The first thing you’ve got to do is own the fact that how you’re responding is your responsibility. Not your girlfriend’s, not your parents’, but yours. And it’s okay to not know how to fix it yet—that’s part of the process.
Start by apologizing to your girlfriend, if you haven’t already. A real, meaningful apology. Tell her that you see what’s happening, that you’re committed to changing, and then do the work to change. This might mean learning new communication skills, practicing self-control in the heat of the moment, and maybe even talking to a counselor or therapist to unravel some of that deep-rooted stuff from your childhood.
Here’s another tool that could really help: meditation. I know, it might sound out there, but hear me out. Meditation teaches you to slow down, be more mindful, and gain control over those split-second reactions. When you meditate regularly, it helps you recognize when that frustration or anger is starting to rise up so you can pause and choose how to respond instead of just reacting. Even starting with just 5–10 minutes a day can make a huge difference over time. You don’t have to be perfect at it; the point is to practice noticing what’s happening inside you and taking a moment to breathe.
It’s not going to happen overnight. Breaking a habit like this takes time, but every small step forward matters. Learn how to pause when you feel that anger rising up, and instead of reacting, take a deep breath, and choose to respond differently. You’ve spent a lifetime reacting one way—it’s going to take some patience to retrain yourself. But the payoff is worth it—not just for your relationship, but for the man you’re becoming.
And remember, you’re not stuck. You’re just in the middle of figuring out how to heal. You’ve got this.