I’ve been dating for two years, but only a handful of guys, and I’ve taken breaks in between. I’ve noticed a pattern: I’m drawn to emotionally unavailable men, addicted to the highs and lows—the waiting for a text, the rush when it comes, and the anxiety when they go cold. I try to prove my worth to them, but when it doesn’t work out, my self-esteem crashes. I always let them back into my life, too.
Recently, I took a break to figure out this toxic pattern. Now, I’m trying to break it by walking away when I notice emotional unavailability. I’ve also decided not to entertain anyone from my past.
I’ve met someone new. We’ve been talking for two months, met three weeks ago, and he’s been sweet, funny, and respectful. For the first time, I feel secure—no anxiety or confusion. But here’s the catch: I don’t feel that spark. I’ve realized I only feel it with guys who don’t want me.
So how do I know if I’m genuinely disinterested or just uncomfortable because he’s emotionally available? I feel guilty that I might be wasting his time, but I don’t know how to proceed. Has anyone overcome this?
First off, I want you to know you’re not alone in this. A lot of people are drawn to emotionally unavailable partners because of the intense highs and lows. That rush you feel when they finally text, the anxiety when they go cold—that’s not love. It’s a cycle of chaos, and it’s addictive. But here’s the truth: real, lasting love isn’t supposed to feel like a rollercoaster.
Now, you’ve met someone who’s kind, respectful, and consistent—all the things you’ve been missing with the toxic guys. And it feels weird, right? Because for the first time, you’re not waiting on edge, wondering where you stand. It’s new territory, and your brain is like, “Where’s the drama?” But that’s the thing—drama isn’t love. Stability might feel unfamiliar, but that’s where real connection has room to grow.
Here’s the tough part: you need to ask yourself if you’re truly not interested in this guy, or if it’s just uncomfortable to be with someone who’s actually treating you well. Only you can answer that, but give yourself some time to figure it out. If it turns out you’re not feeling it, then be honest with yourself and with him. But if the lack of “spark” is more about the absence of chaos, this might be your chance to break that old pattern and let something healthier take root.
Now, let’s talk about that chaos. Why are you drawn to it? Here’s the deal—when you’re used to emotional highs and lows, your brain gets hooked on that adrenaline. It becomes your normal, and when it’s gone, everything else can feel flat or boring. But that doesn’t mean the chaos is good for you—it’s just familiar. This is where the work begins. You’ve got to dig deeper and figure out what’s driving this attraction to people who can’t meet your needs.
Often, it’s rooted in a fear of vulnerability or a belief that you need to “earn” someone’s love by chasing them. But let me be clear: you don’t have to prove your worth to anyone. You deserve a relationship where love and respect come freely, without all the drama.
I’d recommend talking to a therapist or counselor who can help you unpack why this pattern exists for you. You’ve already taken a huge step by recognizing it, and now it’s about doing the work to break the cycle. Because here’s the truth—you deserve more than just surviving emotional chaos. You deserve a relationship where you can thrive in mutual respect and stability.
Stay mindful of your patterns, give yourself grace, and keep being honest with yourself. Growth isn’t easy, but it’s worth it.