I (30M) just discovered that my wife (30F) is having an emotional affair with a coworker, and I don’t know what to do. I accidentally came across messages she wrote to her sister, saying that she’s developing feelings for this guy and thinks he feels the same. She said they have a “great connection” and that she doesn’t feel the same with me.
The part that broke me is when she admitted to her sister that she was never physically attracted to me from the beginning of our relationship. She’s unsure what to do and was asking her sister if she should stay with me because I love her, or leave to be with him. She even mentioned being afraid that if she doesn’t end our marriage, she might cheat.
She has no idea that I saw the messages, but I’ve been a complete mess since. I couldn’t stay at home after reading them, so I just left and now I’m sitting outside, crying and feeling lost.
I feel devastated and can’t stop crying. I’m planning to see both a lawyer and a therapist this week, but I don’t know what else I can do. I don’t want to hurt her, but at the same time, I don’t want her to get away with leaving me for her lover after everything she’s done, without facing any consequences.
We have been together for 14 years (3 years married) and we don’t have kids or a shared house.
What should I do?
You deserve better than someone who isn’t fully committed to you. Right now, your wife is already halfway out the door, emotionally attached to someone else, and questioning whether she wants to be with you. That’s not a foundation for a strong relationship, and honestly, it’s not something you should have to settle for.
You need someone who’s all in—emotionally, physically, and mentally. Someone who chooses you, every day. Right now, she’s showing you the opposite. She’s telling her sister she’s not attracted to you and contemplating leaving for another man. That’s not a partnership—it’s betrayal.
I know it’s painful, but the reality is, there’s no real path forward here. What could she possibly say or do at this point that would change what she’s already shown you? Nothing she says will erase the fact that she’s already emotionally checked out and looking elsewhere.
You’ve already taken the right steps by planning to see a lawyer. Stick to that. It’s time to protect yourself and move forward with your life. Be thankful you don’t have kids or a house to complicate the divorce process—it’ll make things a lot easier.
This isn’t about her anymore. This is about you reclaiming your life and finding someone who is fully in. Someone who respects and values you the way you deserve. It’s hard now, but it’s the right move for your future.