My husband (34M) and I (32F) agreed 8 years ago that I would stay home with the kids while he worked, since my minimum wage job wouldn’t cover daycare costs for our (now) three children. However, I haven’t had access to his income or our bank account this entire time. Anytime I need money for the kids or the house, I have to ask him for an e-transfer or wait for him to pick things up.
I don’t know how much he earns, so I can’t budget properly. Some bills have gone unpaid, leading to large balances and a significant drop in my credit score because a few are in my name.
I recently brought this up to him, saying it’s frustrating and demeaning to always ask for money. When I asked why he won’t give me access, he just said, “I don’t know. I’m just weird about it.” Based on the conversation, it seems he has no plans to change this, and I don’t know what to do.
I’ve considered getting a minimum wage job, but the income would only cover daycare costs. I plan to go back to school, but that will take years before I can earn my own income, and I can’t live like this until then.
How can I navigate this? Should I sit down and discuss why he’s “weird” about sharing access to his income, or are there other questions I should be asking?
Let’s cut to the chase: this isn’t just about being “weird” with money. It’s about control, and right now, you have none. That’s a problem.
Marriage is a partnership, and financial transparency is non-negotiable. You’re responsible for running the household, taking care of the kids, and managing day-to-day expenses, yet you’re completely in the dark about the money that’s supposed to support all of this. That’s not how a functional partnership works. Frankly, it’s demeaning, and you’re right to feel frustrated.
Your husband’s refusal to give you access to the finances is a massive red flag. His response of “I don’t know, I’m just weird about it” is a weak excuse. He’s avoiding the real issue, and you need to get to the bottom of it—now. Whether it’s control, mistrust, or something else, this dynamic can’t continue if you’re going to have a healthy marriage.
Here’s the reality: you can’t budget, plan, or make informed decisions if you don’t even know how much money is coming in. The fact that bills aren’t being paid and your credit score is tanking is just the beginning. If you don’t take control of this situation, it’s only going to get worse.
So, what do you do?
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Demand access to the accounts. Not ask. Demand. You’re not a child, and this isn’t a favor. You’re his partner, and you have every right to know what’s going on with the money that affects your life and your kids’ lives.
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Have a blunt conversation. Sit down and ask him directly: why doesn’t he want you to see the finances? Be prepared for him to deflect, but don’t let him get away with it. If there’s something he’s hiding, you need to know. If he’s not managing the money well, you both need to deal with that head-on.
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Consider the consequences. If he continues to refuse, you have a serious decision to make. Financial secrecy can ruin relationships. You’re already feeling the strain, and this isn’t something that’s going to magically get better on its own.
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Think about your own financial independence. You can’t wait years to get back on your feet. Even if getting a job only covers daycare, it’s worth considering. It gives you a sense of autonomy, and that’s something you desperately need right now.
This situation is not sustainable. If your husband isn’t willing to be transparent and share financial responsibility, you’re not in a partnership—you’re being sidelined. It’s time to draw a line. Either he steps up and starts treating you like a true partner, or you need to start making decisions that protect your financial future—because right now, he’s not doing it.