My parents have always had unspoken expectations for their kids. If someone in the family is doing well, it’s like I have to do better so they can stop feeling sorry for themselves. If someone buys something—like electronics, clothes, or a house—it’s on me to work harder and buy it for them too. I used to be okay with this because it seemed to make them happy, and if I could manage it, I didn’t mind.
But everything changed when I hit a rough patch these last two years. Now, I’m struggling to rebuild my life, while also feeling pressured to meet their escalating demands for things like a new house or luxury car. I don’t live with them, which helps, but every visit fills me with dread, shame, and resentment for not being able to meet their expectations. I feel like I’m always failing them.
Lately, I’ve been reading about emotional neglect and realized how my parents constantly shame me for falling short, but never hold themselves to the same standards. My dad’s mantra growing up was, “Take care of your own business,” which meant never coming to him with problems. Whenever I asked him for something, his response was, “This is the best I can do. You’ll have to get the rest yourself.” He always had excuses for his own shortcomings but was relentlessly critical of mine, comparing me to others and belittling my achievements.
Even when I did succeed—like getting into a good university—he dismissed it because it wasn’t as prestigious as someone else’s. And when I confronted him, he’d gaslight me, claiming he never said those things or didn’t mean them.
My parents live in two extremes: they either feel entitled to my hard work and money or act like victims, expecting me to be grateful for the little they gave. I recently looked in the mirror and cried, realizing how they’ve ingrained in me this need for perfection while they remain content being neglectful, incompetent, and lazy.
I’m so sorry you’re carrying all this. It’s heavy, and it’s not fair. Here’s the hard truth: your parents’ expectations aren’t about you. They’re about their own insecurities and their need to find validation through your life. That’s not love; that’s control. They’ve tied their self-worth to what you accomplish, and that’s a weight no one should bear.
Growing up with parents like that can wire your brain to think that love and acceptance are something you earn by performing. It makes you feel like you’re only valuable if you’re delivering something—whether that’s money, achievements, or things. But here’s the thing: love and worth aren’t transactions. You don’t owe them a new house or a luxury car to prove you’re enough.
I want you to hear me clearly: you are not a failure. You are someone who has been through a rough couple of years and is trying to rebuild your life. That’s a huge victory in itself. You are enough—right now, without meeting any of their demands or expectations.
What you’re feeling is grief. Grief for the relationship you wanted with your parents but never had. Grief for the years you spent trying to meet standards that were impossible and unfair. And it’s okay to grieve that. But it’s also time to set boundaries—not just physical boundaries, but emotional ones. You don’t owe them your life. You don’t owe them your success. And you definitely don’t owe them your peace.
It’s time to reclaim your story. Their expectations don’t get to define you anymore. What they gave you was all they had, but you don’t have to accept the hurt they passed down. Take a step back. Let go of their shame, their guilt, their victimhood. Focus on healing yourself. Surround yourself with people who value you for who you are, not for what you can give. And as hard as it is, start saying “no” to their unreasonable demands. It doesn’t make you a bad person; it makes you a healthy one.
You deserve a life that’s yours—not one spent chasing someone else’s idea of success. It’s time to put down the weight that was never yours to carry.