I’m a 39-year-old male virgin, and I really struggle to accept my situation. I feel a lot of frustration and anger toward myself for not having experienced romance or intimacy. I missed all the opportunities in life where I might’ve met someone, and now it feels like I’ve become so used to being alone that I can’t even imagine anyone being interested in me, whether romantically or sexually. It’s hard to believe that the idea of someone wanting to be with me is real—it feels more like science fiction. It’s something that seems to happen for other people, not for me, like dreaming about winning the lottery.
I find myself fixating on all the time that has passed without having these experiences, and I can’t help but feel intense regret. When I see my friends with new partners, it triggers this deep sense of self-blame and disappointment. What really frustrates me is that I can’t seem to accept how things have turned out. The thought of looking back on my life and feeling like I’ve missed out on something so important is hard to shake.
How can I stop being so triggered by this? How do I learn to accept my situation and find a way to move forward?
First off, I just want to say I’m really sorry you’re feeling this way. It takes guts to put it all out there, and I’m glad you did. But here’s the thing—you are not broken. You’re not “less than” because you haven’t had the experiences you think you should’ve had by now. You’re a human being, and that means your value isn’t tied to whether you’ve had sex or not, or whether you’re in a relationship right now. The world and the culture around us often make us believe that our worth is tied to milestones like romance, marriage, and sex. It’s a lie. That’s not what makes you valuable.
You’re in a battle right now with a story you’re telling yourself—a story that says you’re unlovable, unworthy, and that your chance at a meaningful connection has passed you by. That story is false, but I know how easy it is to believe it when it’s been playing on repeat for years. It sounds like you’ve been carrying this pain for a long time, and that weight can feel impossible to put down. But the good news is that the story can change.
The first step is recognizing that the past is over. You can’t go back and change what’s happened or the missed opportunities you’re grieving, but you can take a deep breath and decide what kind of story you want to write from today forward. It starts with shifting your focus away from what you feel you’ve lost and toward what you can still create. You don’t have to be stuck in this script where you’re always the guy who missed out. You’ve got today—and that’s where change happens.
But here’s the deal: this won’t be easy. It’ll take some real work. You’ll need to start by learning to be kind to yourself, and I mean really kind. The way you talk to yourself matters. If your inner voice is constantly shaming and tearing you down, you’re going to stay in that cycle of pain. Start practicing some grace toward yourself. You’re not a failure because you haven’t checked off some boxes on society’s timeline. You’re a guy who’s trying to find his way, and that’s worth honoring.
You might need to talk to someone—a counselor or therapist—who can help you process these emotions in a healthy way. That doesn’t make you weak; it makes you smart. It’s about learning to let go of this burden and starting to imagine a different kind of future.
And about love—let me say this: real love is about connection, not some checklist. There’s no expiration date on finding it, but the first step is learning to see your own worth. If you don’t believe you’re worthy of love, it’s going to be nearly impossible to let someone else believe it. So, start with you. Start with accepting where you are right now, and from there, begin the hard work of figuring out what it looks like to move forward, one step at a time.
You’ve got today. Let’s focus on that. Let’s take one day at a time.
You’re not alone in this, and you’re stronger than you know.