My daughter (21) lives with her boyfriend (21) against my and my husband’s wishes. We get along great though and respect she is old enough to decide where she wants to live and who she wants to live with, so there is no weirdness or awkwardness.
The problem is that this boyfriend is the only guy she’s ever dated. Ever. She went away to college for her freshman year and I tried to convince her it would be in her best interest to break up and live her best college life. I wanted her to have fun, date people, go to parties, etc.
They did not break up and she came home after freshman year to go to school closer to home for financial reasons. She thinks they will get married and have a life together.
The thing is is that he’s just “fine.” We don’t know him very well but aren’t impressed so far. He relies heavily on his family for everything and is very very very bad and risky with his finances. He is also very immature. As of now, their finances are separate. My daughter is very smart with her money. He has no real plans for the future that are realistic, and his job has little to no growth potential. He is not going to school or trade program nor does he plan to.
Daughter is very future oriented and almost has her undergrad finished. She plans for a master’s after she gets her bachelor’s. His family (who live on the same property as they do) are very enabling of this relationship with no regard to our wishes.
She sees/spends time with them almost daily because they live practically in the same house. We love her immensely and want her to be happy, but how could she possibly know what she wants or how different things could be when she has no experience?
I’ve tried telling her without pressuring that she shouldn’t make any lifelong decisions without knowing what else is out there. She is adamant that her ordinary boyfriend is the one.
She is extraordinary and deserves to be treated as such. If she had dated and had a few relationships maybe we could accept this easier. I think she’s comfortable and is telling herself she’s happy and this is what she wants. Thoughts?
You don’t. Your daughter is an adult, and she has the right to make her own decisions—even when you don’t agree with them. I know you love her, and I know it’s hard to watch her in a relationship that you don’t think is right for her. But here’s the bottom line: it’s her life. She gets to decide who is right for her, not you.
Right now, this guy may seem “ordinary” to you, but to her, he could be extraordinary. It’s her opinion that matters most, because she’s the one in the relationship, not you. And while you may see his flaws—his immaturity, his lack of direction, his financial habits—she’s likely seeing something in him that speaks to her right now. That doesn’t make her wrong; it just makes her human. We all see the people we love through our own lens.
Instead of focusing on what you don’t like about him, focus on your relationship with her. Keep encouraging her to pursue her goals, her education, and her future plans. Keep the communication open and let her know you respect her ability to make her own choices. Trust that, in time, she will figure out whether this relationship truly fits into her future.
At the end of the day, your role is to love and support her, even if you don’t agree with her choices. She’ll learn from her experiences, just like we all do. And if she ever needs to re-evaluate things down the line, she’ll know she can turn to you for support without judgment. That’s what matters most.