The back story is that my husband has a porn addiction, he stopped before we got married. After 3 years together he relapsed and I caught him in the act. I found out he had been doing that for the last year behind my back. I was broken. We tried to bounce back.
For context we have been married 5 years in May. The problem is that the porn has rewired his brain. To the point where he had trouble translating sexual desire to real life. For example he has ED which porn addiction has shown to contribute heavily to.
He also never initiates except for the handful of times when I bring it up a lot. We have sex 1-2 a month. I feel like the sex is bland and we can’t really try new things because of the ED. There’s times where I pursue him and he says no in a nice way that he isn’t in the mood.
I feel sex deprived, I feel rejected. I personally have a high sex drive and could do it a cool 3/4 a week if you let me.
And honestly we connect emtionally and intellectually even spiritually but the passion and desire isn’t there. I feel like I’m living with a best friend and we have sex sometimes.
We are sexually incompatible and I’m finally admitting that. I recently told him how I was feeling I told him I’m unhappy and that we don’t match. We decided to start couples therapy and soon sex therapy.
I don’t know if I want to work it out or get a divorce. I never imagined I’d be here even thinking about divorce but now it’s all I think about.
First off, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You’re dealing with something heavy, and the fact that you’re seeking help shows that you care deeply about your relationship—but also about your own well-being. That’s important.
Let’s break this down.
Porn addiction, like any addiction, has real consequences—not just emotionally, but physically. The fact that your husband’s addiction is affecting his ability to connect with you intimately is a massive issue. It’s not just about sex; it’s about trust, vulnerability, and connection. I’m sure that when he relapsed after years of what seemed like progress, it felt like the floor dropped out from under you. You feel betrayed, and that betrayal didn’t just end when you caught him—it’s ongoing because the problem hasn’t really been solved. That’s a lot to carry.
You’re right to admit you two are sexually incompatible. That’s a real thing. And while couples therapy and sex therapy are steps in the right direction, it’s okay to be honest with yourself and with him about your doubts. This is something you both need to tackle together, and I’m glad you’re open to therapy—it’s one of the best ways to get everything out on the table. Therapy will help you both understand whether this relationship has the potential to grow and heal—or whether it’s time to make the difficult decision to move on.
You don’t have to decide right now. It’s okay to give yourself time to process this. You’re in a tough spot, and the feelings of rejection, frustration, and loneliness are very real. Your emotional and physical needs are valid, and no amount of therapy is going to fix this overnight. What’s important is that you’re doing the work right now to figure out what you want out of this relationship.
One thing I’ll say—don’t ignore your own needs. Emotional connection, sexual satisfaction, passion—these are critical parts of a marriage. You deserve to be with someone who values those things as much as you do. Whether that’s your husband, after therapy and hard work, or someone else down the road, only time will tell. The important thing is to listen to your gut and give yourself permission to ask the hard questions, even if those questions feel impossible to face right now.
You’re strong for confronting this, and you deserve to find peace—whether that’s through repairing your marriage or stepping into something new. Lean into therapy and see where it takes you, but know that whatever decision you make down the line, you’re not wrong for putting yourself first.