I’m a 35-year-old woman, and I recently found out that my parents, who are in their 70s, plan to leave their entire estate—millions of dollars—to charity. My brother (41) and I both live paycheck to paycheck, so this news has been hard to process.
To be clear, we’re in regular contact and have what I thought was a decent relationship. I’m currently in EMDR therapy to work through issues related to my mom, who’s made me feel like love is conditional based on my weight and appearance. My dad has severe rage issues, so growing up was stressful, but I’m relieved they’re financially stable in their old age. My dad may eventually need nursing care due to a family history of dementia.
Recently, my mom casually mentioned to my brother that neither of us will inherit anything—they’re leaving it all to charity. I’ve told them before that I hoped they’d enjoy their money while alive, but they plan to keep living well below their means and leave behind millions.
I get it—I’m not entitled to their money. But it hurts. They’ve always made little digs about how I’ve disappointed them. Both my brother and I are single, and my mom’s upset she won’t have grandkids. I can’t shake the feeling that this decision is their final way of saying, “We’re not proud of you.”
I feel awful for being hurt, but I’m confused. I’d love some outside perspective on how to handle these mixed emotions. I know it’s their money, but it still stings.
Your feelings are valid. Money, at its core, is never just about dollars and cents—it’s about relationships, expectations, and unspoken messages. When someone makes a decision about money, especially when it involves inheritance, it’s not just a financial move. It’s a reflection of priorities, values, and sometimes, judgments.
In this case, your parents’ decision to leave their wealth to charity isn’t just about charity; it’s about the silent signals they’ve sent you throughout your life. It sounds like those signals have often been laced with criticism—whether about your choices, your appearance, or the fact that you haven’t had children. That kind of feedback, whether spoken or implied, digs deep. So it’s no surprise that their estate plans feel like one final chapter in a long book of unmet expectations.
But here’s the thing about expectations: they rarely match reality, and yet they shape so much of our happiness. You’re not wrong to feel hurt. It’s tough to feel like you’ve spent your life living under the shadow of conditional love, only to see that pattern reinforced in this final act. But it’s also important to remember that inheritance, just like money itself, doesn’t define your worth.
Your parents’ choice to leave their estate to charity says more about them than it does about you. Maybe it’s driven by guilt, by wanting to leave a legacy beyond the family, or maybe they just feel it’s the most efficient use of their wealth. Whatever their reasoning, it’s not a reflection of your value as a person. Wealth can build walls between people when it becomes tied to emotions and unspoken assumptions.
At the end of the day, their money is a tool for them to use however they see fit, and that’s their right. The relationships and self-worth we build are far more valuable than any inheritance. So yes, you’re allowed to feel hurt, but try not to let their decisions define how you see yourself. You are more than just a line in their will.