My (65F) daughter (37F) has been unemployed for over three years. She left her job during the pandemic and relied on the stimulus checks and the unemployment pay until it ran out. Now I don’t know what she is living on.
My daughter lives alone in a rent controlled apartment and has never asked me for money or help. But I don’t understand how she is supporting herself paying her rent, etc. as she has no job. I assume she is running through her savings and if she has lasted this long that means she had at least 40k saved and is just burning through it all.
She has not been applying to jobs or gone on one interview. She has no career path. No job, no prospects, no romantic relationship.
Once in a while I will send her jobs I think look good but I never get a reply. The times that I have asked her when she will get a job I just get vague replies.
I don’t think she is depressed and it just seems like she doesn’t want to work. But it has been 3 and a half years now. I am so stressed out thinking about it. I just want her to get a job and generate income. What can I do?
I can feel the weight of your worry through your words. As a parent, it’s natural to want your child—no matter how grown—to be secure, to have a purpose, and to thrive. But when those things aren’t happening in the way you expect, it can leave you feeling anxious, frustrated, and even helpless. You just want your daughter to get back on track, and it feels like you’re watching from the sidelines, powerless to do anything about it. I get it.
Here’s the thing though: Your daughter is 37. She’s not the kid who needs you to step in and guide her anymore. She’s an adult making her own choices, whether or not you agree with them. That’s hard to hear, I know. But the reality is, if she’s not asking you for help or financial support, she’s likely found a way to get by that works for her—even if it doesn’t fit into the framework of what you believe she should be doing.
Now, that doesn’t mean you have to stop caring, and it certainly doesn’t mean you stop being her mother. But it does mean that your role here isn’t to fix her life—it’s to listen and to support without letting your anxiety drive your interactions. Sending her job postings or constantly asking when she’ll get a job can feel, to her, like pressure or judgment, even though it’s coming from a place of love. And when people feel pressured, they often shut down or pull away—which could be why you’re getting those vague replies.
So, what can you do? The first step is to sit down with her and have an open, judgment-free conversation. Not about why she hasn’t gotten a job, but about her. Ask her what’s been going on in her world—what her thoughts are, how she’s been feeling, and what her vision for the future looks like. Let her lead the conversation. You might learn something you didn’t expect about her mindset, her plans, or even fears she hasn’t shared. The goal here is to understand her better, not to steer her into action.
Once you have a clearer picture, offer support in a way that doesn’t carry an agenda. Instead of sending job postings, ask her if there’s anything she needs from you to feel more grounded. Maybe she’s feeling stuck in ways you hadn’t considered, or maybe she’s just trying to figure things out on her own timeline.
At the end of the day, you can’t make your daughter take a job or choose a career path. But you can be a source of steady, non-judgmental support. That doesn’t mean you agree with her choices, but it does mean you trust her enough to make her own. The hard truth here is that the more you push, the more likely she is to dig her heels in. But if you give her the space to explore her own path—without the weight of your expectations—you might just see her come around in her own time.
Remember, your daughter is an adult, and sometimes, the best way to help our adult kids is to let them figure things out at their own pace, knowing we’ll always be there for them when they need us.