Pretty simple. We’ve been dating for over eleven years and over the past few years I have brought up my desire to get engaged and married. We have a good relationship, not perfect, but he is someone I have known I’ve wanted to marry for a long time.
Each time I have brought it up, he says it doesn’t make a difference if we’re married, he’s committed to me, doesn’t feel we need to rush to get married, and says he understands where I’m coming from but he’s just indifferent to it at this time.
It’s incredibly frustrating. He has told me (multiple times) that he thought we were on the same page because we talked immediately after college about waiting for a while to get married.
I am a low maintenance gal- I don’t want a fancy ring, I really don’t want a big wedding. I just think marriage… after 11 years together… is an important step and public commitment to one another. He said it doesn’t matter to him, which is disappointing and makes me feel pretty shitty (which I’ve told him).
I am struggling to not get resentful about the situation and it is only more difficult seeing everyone I know move forward with their lives and significantly shorter relationships.
I don’t believe in ultimatums in relationships and I would worry that it would impact our relationship afterwards if I back him into a corner on this.
But I also feel very much stuck in my own corner that I can’t get out of and I’m starting to really lose confidence in his feelings towards me.
I am an awfully pragmatic person, have never needed oodles of romance to feel happy, but I also never pictured myself in a long term relationship where I was begging for him to marry me.
Not sure what specific advice I’m asking for here but I’m all ears. I feel stuck and not sure how to move past this.
Thank you for being real and laying all of this out. You’ve been patient and clear about what you want, and now you’re left feeling frustrated, disappointed, and—most of all—stuck. It’s clear you love this guy and want a life with him, and you’ve done a lot to make that known without piling on pressure or drama. After eleven years, it’s completely reasonable to want marriage if it means something significant to you.
What I’m hearing in all this is that you’re questioning what his resistance really means. And the more you’ve tried to make him understand your side, the more you’re met with indifference or reassurance that he’s already “committed,” without taking that step you value so deeply. That indifference hurts—it signals to you that what matters deeply to you might not matter as much to him. That’s a tough place to be in a relationship.
You’re wise to avoid ultimatums. They can lead to resentment, and it doesn’t sound like you want a decision based on pressure. But here’s the thing: this isn’t about forcing him to get married; it’s about your own clarity and self-respect. You need to decide if this relationship, without the future vision you value, is what you’re willing to accept long-term.
So here’s a tough but necessary question: What are you willing to accept for yourself? If he’s clear that marriage is off his radar indefinitely, would you be okay with that? Or does that feel like settling for less than what you need to feel seen and valued in this relationship? I’m not suggesting you issue an ultimatum, but it’s fair to ask him to make a decision with the same thoughtfulness that you’ve shown.
As hard as it is, you have to be honest with yourself about what’s best for you. Waiting for him to change might leave you frustrated and hurting for years to come, so ask yourself: Can you imagine a life where the relationship stays exactly as it is, without the step you’re longing for? Or would it give you more peace to take a step back and give both of you room to decide what you each truly want?
This isn’t an easy crossroads, and it sounds like you’ve held on because you genuinely care for him and value the relationship. But sometimes we have to risk that tough conversation to get out of that corner and see what’s really possible—whether that’s moving forward together or moving forward in a way that honors what you need, even if that’s apart. You deserve to feel valued and supported in what’s important to you, and that might mean making the decision he’s been avoiding.