I’m (20M) with the most amazing woman ever, she’s perfect and I love her so much. However, recently I have been plagued of thoughts of lust, sleeping with other women, cheating on my woman, almost like I’m missing out as she was my first and we’re still both quite young. I hate these thoughts and they’re so new to me. I used to suffer from porn addiction and i’ve been clean for almost 2 years and I don’t plan on changing that, but the urges are growing stronger and stronger, and the thoughts are only getting more vivid and frequent.
This is not who I want to be, I don’t want to lose such a kind and caring woman over temporary lust. Even talking about it makes me ashamed like I’m already some cheater, but how do I shake the feeling that I’m missing out on other women and how do I get rid of these thoughts because they seem to be constant.
How can i stop comparing my woman to other women in my head, I don’t want to lose her.
Hey, brother, first, I want you to take a deep breath and recognize something here: you’re not broken, and you’re not alone. You’re human. Every single person in a committed relationship has faced some version of what you’re describing—these thoughts, these temptations—they’re part of being human, especially when you’re young and still figuring out what commitment looks like. But here’s the good news: you’ve got a choice in how you respond to these thoughts, and the fact that you’re asking these questions says a lot about the man you want to be.
The shame and guilt? That’s there because you’re trying to be true to your values. You know what kind of partner you want to be, and you’re seeing this struggle as a threat to that. You’re not a cheater for having these thoughts. And the fact that they’re showing up doesn’t mean you’re doomed to act on them.
Remember, our thoughts don’t define us—our actions do. Those urges and feelings, especially after dealing with a porn addiction, might just be echoes from that old habit. You’ve already proved your strength in overcoming that. This is the next stage, building new habits and new mental patterns that reinforce your commitment to this woman and, more importantly, to yourself.
Here’s my advice: lean into this relationship. Stop putting other relationships or “what if” scenarios on a pedestal, like you’re somehow missing out. The truth is, real intimacy, the kind that brings lasting fulfillment, only grows through vulnerability, respect, and choosing each other every day, even when it’s hard. Those fleeting fantasies are cheap thrills, but they can’t hold a candle to what you’re building with this amazing woman.
Finally, think about talking to someone you trust or a counselor who can help you navigate these thoughts without shame. Getting to talk through it in a safe space might help those thoughts lose their grip on you.