I need advice about a situation with my husband. I’m 27F, he’s 28M, and we’ve been married for 4 years. He’s introverted and slightly on the spectrum, with a room full of hobbies—sim racing, LEGO, soccer analysis, and more. It’s his sanctuary, and he loves sharing it with me.
Recently, I snapped during a moment of frustration and said hurtful things, like how his interests bore me, that he needs friends, and even questioned why I married him. I didn’t mean any of it, and I deeply regret it.
Since then, he’s withdrawn completely—avoiding his hobbies, sleeping on the couch, ignoring traditions like watching soccer, and working late (breaking our “no work at home” rule). When I’ve tried apologizing, he brushes it off with “maybe you’re right” and won’t open up. He even made a comment about understanding his father’s divorce.
I’m scared I’ve pushed him toward considering divorce and don’t know how to rebuild trust or make him feel loved again. Any advice?
First, take a deep breath. This is tough, but it’s not hopeless. You’re here, asking for help, which shows that you care deeply about your husband and your marriage. Let’s unpack this.
Here’s the thing about words: once they’re out, you can’t take them back. They cut deep, especially for someone who’s already wired to see the world in an analytical, introspective way. Your husband invited you into his world because you’re his person. He wasn’t just sharing hobbies—he was sharing himself. When you dismissed that in the heat of the moment, it hit him where it hurts most: his sense of worth in your eyes.
Right now, he’s not just upset—he’s questioning everything. His retreat isn’t just about cooling off. It’s about protecting himself. That comment about understanding his dad’s divorce? That’s him wrestling with the idea that maybe the person he trusted most doesn’t see him as enough.
So what do you do? First, recognize that fixing this isn’t about one big apology or grand gesture. It’s about showing up consistently over time and proving through your actions that you value him for who he is.
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Own it. Completely. Don’t defend, justify, or explain away what you said. Apologize again, but this time, be laser-specific: “I said things I didn’t mean, and I know I hurt you deeply. I devalued what matters most to you, and I see now how wrong that was.”
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Ask him how he feels. Not about fixing the marriage yet—just about what’s going on in his head and heart. And when he tells you, listen. Don’t try to solve or minimize his feelings. Just let him process.
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Rebuild slowly. Start with small gestures—leave him a note about how much you admire his creativity or curiosity. Take an interest in one of his hobbies again, not to “fix” anything, but to show him that his world matters to you. He might not respond right away, but keep showing up.
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Give him space, but stay close. Respect his need to process in his own way, but don’t retreat yourself. This isn’t the time to shut down emotionally. Be available, even if it’s just sitting quietly near him.
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Get help. A good marriage counselor can help you both untangle what happened here and create a roadmap for rebuilding trust. It’s not a sign of failure—it’s a sign that you’re committed.
Finally, give it time. Healing a wound this deep isn’t a sprint; it’s a marathon. But if you stay patient, humble, and present, you can work through this. You’ve got a chance to show your husband that you’re all-in—not just for the good times, but for the messy, hard ones too.