My husband and I have been married for almost 10 years, together for 15, with two small children.
This June, after a work trip, he came back different—complaining about the house and seeming unhappy. In July, I saw him texting a woman (let’s call her Marie), who sent him heart emojis. I confronted him on my birthday, and he admitted he’d been unhappy in our marriage for years.
We agreed to work on things—started date nights and being more intimate. But after another work trip, he admitted he was still texting Marie as “friends,” though she’s in an unhappy marriage too. He says he loves me but isn’t in love with me and talks about the possibility of us dating others. He even admitted he’d consider dating Marie if they were both single, though he claims she’s not the issue.
I wrote down two options: work on our marriage or end it. He wants something in between, which feels unfair. He’s concerned about the kids being traumatized but doesn’t see how his actions are breaking the family.
I’m trying to get him to couples therapy and suggested a weekend trip—just the two of us—but my heart aches. I love him and don’t want to watch our marriage fall apart over “what ifs.” What else can I do?
Hey there,
I know this is incredibly painful, and you’re holding on as tightly as you can, but it’s time to step into reality. Your husband is cheating on you. Maybe he hasn’t crossed a physical line, but emotionally? He’s already checked out and handed pieces of himself to another woman. You can’t let his words distract you from his actions. Saying he “loves you but isn’t in love” while texting someone else isn’t confusion—it’s betrayal.
He’s playing the “what if” game, keeping you in limbo, but here’s the truth: he’s avoiding the hard work of facing himself and your marriage. He’s blaming unhappiness on the relationship instead of looking in the mirror. And by staying friends with Marie, he’s keeping one foot out the door, fantasizing about something that doesn’t exist. That’s not love, and it’s not fair to you.
You have to stop making excuses for him and face what’s happening. He’s not confused—he’s making choices, and those choices are hurting you. You can’t fix this alone, and you can’t wait for him to decide whether you’re good enough to fight for. That’s not your job.
The hardest part is realizing that love isn’t enough when the other person isn’t showing up. You can love him with your whole heart, but if he’s not willing to put in the work, you’re just delaying the inevitable pain. He’s already breaking the family apart with his actions, and you can’t hold it together by yourself.
This isn’t about begging him to stay or convincing him to go to therapy. This is about standing up for yourself and saying, “I deserve better than this.” You’re not powerless. You have the strength to set boundaries, demand respect, and choose yourself if he won’t.
You didn’t cause this, and it’s not your responsibility to fix it alone. But it is your responsibility to step into reality and take control of your life. You can do this, even if it feels impossible right now.