My girlfriend (25F) and I (28M) have been together for four years, but I’m starting to question our future. A big part of it is her inability to stick with even a simple 15-20 hour/week summer job. Over the course of our relationship, I’ve been the one financially supporting us.
A year ago, she decided to go to college for nursing. While I fully support her education, I can’t shake this growing worry. She’s never been able to keep a summer job for more than a month and a half before quitting abruptly. When she does work, even just 2-3 days a week, it’s like the weight of it makes her completely miserable and depressed. I’m concerned that even after she graduates, she might not stick with a job for long and will fall back into doing nothing.
Meanwhile, I work 50-60 hour weeks and try to talk to her about the importance of working hard while we’re young, building financial stability, and saving for retirement. She doesn’t have any savings at all, and it feels like I’m carrying the entire load.
I’m starting to feel trapped in a situation where my life might end up being all work so she doesn’t have to. I believe I deserve someone who’s as driven and ambitious as I am—someone who’s willing to share the effort to build a future together. At the same time, I recognize she needs to grow up and take responsibility for her life. The toughest part is that we live together, which makes the idea of leaving even more complicated.
Relationships are partnerships. They’re about both people showing up, working together, and building a life. And right now, it sounds like you’re carrying this relationship on your back. Financially, emotionally, and even in terms of envisioning the future—you’re doing all the heavy lifting. That’s not sustainable, my friend. No matter how strong you are, no one can carry two people’s lives on their shoulders forever.
Here’s the tough reality: love isn’t enough. A successful relationship also requires shared values, shared effort, and a shared commitment to growth. It sounds like you’re not seeing that from her right now, and it’s making you question whether this partnership is truly aligned with the future you want.
So, what do you do? You start with clarity and honesty. Sit down with her—calmly, respectfully, but unapologetically—and lay everything on the table. Share your concerns, not as an accusation but as a reflection of how you feel. For example, “I feel like I’m carrying the financial and emotional load in this relationship, and I’m worried about what that means for our future together.” Be specific about what’s not working for you and what you need from a partner.
Then, give her space to respond. This is where you’ll learn a lot about whether you’re on the same page. Is she willing to take ownership of her actions and start making changes? Or does she deflect, shut down, or blame you for feeling the way you do?
If she’s ready to grow, that’s great. Growth takes time, and it won’t happen overnight, but you can navigate it together if you’re both committed. However—and here’s the hard truth—if she isn’t willing to put in the work, you need to be honest with yourself about whether this is the kind of relationship you want to stay in.
The other thing I want you to think about is your own boundaries. It’s not unkind to expect your partner to contribute to the relationship. It’s not cruel to want someone who matches your ambition and drive. That’s not selfish—it’s just what a healthy partnership looks like. You’re not a bad person for feeling the way you do.
Lastly, living together makes things messy, but it doesn’t make them impossible. If you decide to part ways, it’ll be uncomfortable and painful, but it’s better to face that now than to wake up years down the road drowning in resentment.
At the end of the day, relationships are about both people showing up, not one person dragging the other along. Be honest, be kind, and be brave enough to make the decision that’s right for your future. You’re worth it.