I’m not in a healthy relationship with my husband. I’m not sure we’ve ever had one, even while dating before we got married. There is a lot of harbored resentment, emotional neglect, weak connection, etc. I’m not sure the last time I felt truly connected with him.
How does it feel being with a safe, loving, partner?
First of all, let me just acknowledge the courage it takes to say out loud (or write) that your marriage doesn’t feel healthy. That’s a hard truth to face, but it’s the first step toward figuring out what you want and deserve in a relationship. So let’s dig into this together.
A healthy marriage doesn’t mean it’s perfect—because no relationship is. It’s not free from arguments or hard seasons, but at its core, it’s a partnership that feels safe, steady, and grounded. In a healthy marriage, your spouse isn’t just someone you live with—they’re your teammate. You know, deep in your bones, that they’re on your side, even when things get tough.
Here’s what it feels like:
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Safety. You can show up as your full, unpolished self without fear of being dismissed, criticized, or attacked. You can be vulnerable—share your hopes, fears, dreams, and even your messiest emotions—because you know they’ll handle those parts of you with care.
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Respect. You don’t feel like you have to earn their love or walk on eggshells. There’s mutual respect, where both of you honor each other’s individuality and value the relationship enough to fight for it, not in it.
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Connection. This is more than just being in the same room or checking off the to-do list together. It’s feeling seen and understood. You’re not just spouses—you’re friends. You laugh, you share inside jokes, and even when life gets busy, you make time to nurture that connection.
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Trust. You don’t have to question their words or actions because they’ve shown you, time and time again, that they’re reliable. Trust doesn’t mean you don’t argue—it means you argue knowing the other person isn’t going to hit below the belt or walk away.
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Growth. In a healthy marriage, you both challenge each other to grow—not in a judgmental way, but because you want to see each other thrive. You cheer each other on, you support each other’s goals, and you work through problems as a team.
If that doesn’t sound like your marriage, it doesn’t mean you’re doomed—but it does mean you’ve got work to do. And that work starts with asking yourself some tough questions: What kind of marriage do you want? What role have you played in the resentment and disconnection? And are both of you willing to dig deep, have hard conversations, and fight for something better?
Because here’s the thing: you deserve a marriage that feels safe, loving, and connected. But it won’t happen by accident—it takes intention, vulnerability, and commitment from both of you. If your husband is willing to step into that space with you, there’s hope. And if he’s not? Well, then it’s time to get really honest about what you’re willing to live with.
You’re not crazy for wanting more. Healthy marriages exist, and they’re worth fighting for. Whether that means rebuilding this one or choosing a new path, you’ve got the strength to take the next step.