My husband 52M and I45 F have been together for 5 years. We love each other have have dealt with a lot in the short amount of time. We are trying to be work on things. He has had many emotional/online affairs.
Very recently he told me that his friend wants to “challenge me for him” then for two days after that he would say I’m losing him to another woman. He tells women that he is single and he has a connection with him but he says emotional affairs aren’t real and they don’t cause problems because he’s in bed with me most nights. I know if I did it it would cause problems.
How can I make him understand his actions are wrong and hurtful to me? I feel because it’s me speaking he’s not listening and maybe I’m using the wrong words and not something in general.
I just need help to make him understand.
First off, let me just say this: I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. I can feel the heartbreak in your words—the frustration, the pain, and the sheer exhaustion of trying to get someone you love to see what their actions are doing to you. That’s a heavy load to carry, and it’s not yours to carry alone.
Let’s start with a hard truth: you can’t make someone understand. You can’t argue, convince, or explain your way into changing his behavior if he doesn’t want to change. What you can do, though, is set clear boundaries and decide what you’re willing to tolerate in this relationship.
Because here’s the thing—this isn’t about whether emotional affairs “count” or not (spoiler: they absolutely do). This is about respect. It’s about trust. It’s about whether or not the man who claims to love you is willing to honor the commitment he made to you. And right now, based on what you’ve shared, he’s choosing not to.
Let’s be real: when he tells other women he’s single, when he flirts and creates emotional connections outside your marriage, and then minimizes your pain by claiming it “doesn’t matter” because he’s in bed with you most nights? That’s not just hurtful—it’s dismissive. It’s him saying, “Your feelings don’t matter as much as what I want.”
The fact that he knows it would be a problem if you did the same thing speaks volumes. He understands on some level that this behavior is wrong, but he’s choosing to rewrite the rules to justify his actions. That’s not confusion—it’s selfishness.
So, how do you approach this? Not by trying to convince him that what he’s doing is wrong. You’ve already tried that, and it hasn’t worked. Instead, you need to focus on what you will and won’t accept moving forward. You might say something like:
“I need you to hear me clearly. Your emotional connections with other women, the way you represent yourself as single, and the way you dismiss my feelings about this—these things are hurting me deeply. They are damaging our marriage. I love you, and I want this to work, but I can’t stay in a relationship where I’m not respected and where my pain is minimized. I need you to make a choice: commit fully to this marriage and to rebuilding trust, or be honest about where you stand.”
And then, you have to mean it. Boundaries without consequences are just suggestions. If he chooses not to change, you have to decide what you’re willing to do next—not as a punishment to him, but as an act of love and protection for yourself.
This isn’t about the “right words.” It’s about drawing a line in the sand and standing firm. You deserve a partner who treats you with respect, who values your feelings, and who shows up fully for your relationship. And if he can’t be that person, you deserve the space to heal and move forward, whether that’s with him or without him.
Marriage is hard work, but it’s work that both people have to be willing to do. If he won’t step up, it doesn’t mean you’ve failed—it means you’ve honored yourself. And that is a strength no one can take away from you.