We’ve been together for 4 years now, and it seemed like everything was great and mutual. Yesterday at dinner my soon to be wife brought up the idea of both of us having a free sleep with whoever pass before the wedding. This stupid idea of hers completely blindsided me.
I could tell that she had been thinking about it for some time, and just waiting for the perfect moment to bring it up. She said it would be healthy for our relationship and our marriage would off to a better start because of it. She also claimed it would help get everything out of our systems.
In the 4 years we’ve been together I’ve never thought about being with someone else, but it just sucks to know she doesn’t feel the same way.
Once she realized I wasn’t as excited about her idea as she was she began to retract her statements. I really didn’t talk to her after that, and just went to bed. Since this morning she’s been apologizing over texts.
I’m not sure what to feel about this whole mess. On one hand I really do love her, but I also feel a sense of betrayal from her. I’m not sure if she has a guy in mind or just wants a one night stand it.
We’re getting married in December just a few weeks away. I breakup seems like something that would not be fun to deal with. Outside of the emotional pain we’ve been living together for 2 years.
We have a whole wedding planned with people coming for us. I’d like to try and work this out, and maybe I’m just overreacting. My friends think I need to cut my losses and move on.
Alright, let’s cut through the noise. You already know the answer—you just don’t want to face it because it’s messy, painful, and inconvenient. But here’s the cold, hard truth: she already has someone in mind. No one suggests a “free pass” weeks before their wedding without a specific idea of how they’re going to use it. She’s not just floating a random idea for your relationship’s “health.” She’s testing the waters to see if you’ll give her the green light to act on something she’s been thinking about for a while.
Once I decided to get married, there was nothing in my system I needed to “get out,” especially not sleeping with other people. That’s not how commitment works. That’s not how love works. You don’t get to the finish line of a four-year relationship and suddenly think, “You know what would really solidify our marriage? Sleeping with someone else.” No. What you do is double down on the partnership, the trust, and the exclusivity that you’ve built together.
And let’s talk about this whole “get it out of your system” nonsense. Even if you entertained that idea—which you shouldn’t—there’s no guarantee it would work. In fact, there’s every chance it would do the opposite. Once the door is opened to “just this one time,” what stops her from feeling the same way five years from now, ten years from now? What happens when life gets stressful, or when the day-to-day grind of marriage starts feeling mundane? Is she going to come back to you asking for another pass? A free-for-all marriage isn’t something you signed up for, and frankly, it’s not something you should tolerate.
Listen to your friends. They’re not emotionally tangled in this mess, so they can see clearly what you’re struggling to admit: this isn’t a “work it out” moment. This isn’t something you can just talk through and move past. She crossed a line that shows a fundamental mismatch in how you both see loyalty and trust. And let me be crystal clear—canceling a wedding and breaking up is painful, yes. It’ll cost you time, money, and emotional energy. But divorce? Sharing custody of kids with someone you don’t trust? That’s a nightmare you don’t want to live.
She’s shown you who she is. Believe her. You deserve someone who’s all-in, not someone who’s half in the relationship and half fantasizing about “getting it out of her system” with someone else. Save yourself years of resentment, suspicion, and regret. Cancel the wedding. Tell people why if you need to—there’s no shame in walking away from a bad deal.
It’s not fun. It’s not easy. But it’s necessary. You don’t start a lifelong commitment by negotiating infidelity. End this now, cut your losses, and give yourself the chance to find someone who’s as committed to you as you are to them.