After having our kids, my wife gained about 80 pounds, but I still found her attractive and loved her just the same. For a while, she seemed fine with her weight too.
A few years ago, she suddenly got into fitness and nutrition, lost all the weight, and looks incredible—like when we first met. I thought she looked great before, but I was proud of her dedication.
Last week, she came home upset and finally admitted that her motivation to lose weight was to get the attention of a coworker she had a crush on. She said he’d been flirting with her recently and had even asked her out to dinner, heavily implying they could spend the night together. That moment snapped her back to reality, and she turned him down. She confessed everything to me, apologizing and saying it was all just fantasy in her head until then.
I’m devastated. I feel betrayed, even though nothing physical happened. She swears she loves me and doesn’t want to leave, but it’s killing me that she put all that effort into being attractive for someone else. I love her, I don’t want a divorce, and I believe she’s being honest, but I don’t know how to move past this. What do I ask of her? How do we rebuild from here? I need advice.
Man, this is heavy. First, let me say this: I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. Betrayal, even in its emotional form, cuts deep. You’ve been blindsided, and it’s okay to feel crushed. Let’s unpack this, piece by piece, because you’ve got a lot of emotions swirling around, and that’s normal.
Here’s the hard truth: your wife’s actions weren’t about you—or even that guy at work. They were about her. This doesn’t excuse what happened, but it’s important to understand that her crush and the effort she put into seeking attention were rooted in something going on inside her. Maybe she was trying to feel desirable again, maybe she was chasing validation, or maybe she didn’t even fully realize what she was doing until it went too far. That doesn’t make it right, but it gives you a place to start.
Now, let’s talk about you. Of course, this hurts. You’ve poured love, time, and energy into this marriage, and now it feels like all that effort was thrown aside for someone else’s attention. That’s a gut punch. But here’s what I want you to hear: her confession wasn’t an attempt to hurt you—it was an act of desperation to rebuild trust. She realized how far she’d let things go, she shut it down, and she came to you with the truth. That’s not easy to do, especially when she knew it could wreck you.
You’re asking where to go from here. The first step is honest communication. Tell her how you’re feeling—completely. Don’t sugarcoat it, but also don’t weaponize it. She needs to hear how deeply this has hurt you, and you need to understand what drove her to seek validation outside your marriage. This isn’t about blaming or shaming; it’s about figuring out how to move forward together.
Next, you’ve got to work on rebuilding trust. That doesn’t happen overnight, and it’s not about tracking phones or playing detective. It’s about creating a space where both of you can be vulnerable and open. If you’re not already, I’d strongly suggest seeing a counselor—individually and as a couple. This isn’t something you just “get over.” It’s something you work through, together.
Finally, give yourself grace. You’re not weak for being hurt, and you’re not crazy for wanting to stay. Love is messy, and healing takes time. What matters most is that you both commit to doing the work. If she’s willing to dig deep and rebuild what’s broken, and if you’re willing to give her that chance, this marriage can come out stronger than ever.
But let me be clear: this is about both of you showing up. If she’s all in, great. If not, you’ve got some hard decisions to make. Either way, don’t let this fester. Take it head-on, and don’t be afraid to ask for help. You’re worth that, and so is your family.